A mom? Or a wife?

Awhile back, I was reading a book that asked the question "Do you feel more like a wife or a mom?". I have been thinking a lot about this question, and sadly, most days I feel more like a mom. Most of my day, it seems, is spent serving my children. This mindset is very wrong. My children were never supposed to take importance over my husband. I should value my role as a wife over my role as a mom. I have a one flesh relationship with my husband, one that will never be broken. My children are only entrusted to me for awhile. Chances are that they will grow up, get married, and have the same relationship with their spouse. I came up with a few thoughts going over this in my head.

• First, I have to serve my children. They NEED me. My husband can take care of himself, but my children, they need me to take care of them. But the thing is, I was designed to be my husbands helpmate. The main purpose of my marriage is to glorify God. Marriage is a picture of Christ and his Church. The Church submits itself to Christ, existing to serve him. In the same manner, I exist to serve Christ first, but my husband second. One way I serve Christ by serving my husband. One of the ways I serve my husband is by caring for our children while he is away at work.
• Second, I am selfish. Most days, I feel as though my work has gone unnoticed. My husband doesn't know all the work that goes into keeping things running the way they do. How would he? But when he comes home and fails to notice the work I've done, it bothers me. This is because I am selfish, and seek my own glory. Sometimes I feel as though I have been given an unfair amount of work. The job of a mom never ends, there are no breaks, no sick days, no vacation. It is a 24/7 commitment. I often seek the glory of this work that I do, wanting my husband to notice it. Don't get me wrong, he is grateful, and does tell me often that he appreciates me, but sometimes he doesn't notice details. It is times like this that I have to remind myself that the work I do is for God, and his glory alone. I love to serve my husband, but if I'm doing it because I want him to love me more or appreciate me more, I'm not doing it for the right reasons. I must serve him, first and foremost, for Gods glory. This work was given to me by God, and I should serve him with a glad heart.
• Third, somewhere I've lost the importance of my role as a wife. It has become so intermingled in my role as a mom that sometimes I fail to recognize the difference. My husband and I rarely go on date nights, and rarely take time for just us. This is a bad thing, one that we seek to fix. We have been making more of an effort to spend time reading together and talking after the kids go to bed. We are going to strive to go on a date night at least once a month. It is very important to spend this time together to enrich your marriage.

I've made some changes to my daily routine, in order to keep my priorities straight, and find more joy in my work. One thing I have done is create a cleaning schedule for myself. I know, this may sound cheesy, but it is working for me! Sometimes I just get lazy and don't want to do anything. I get into this mood where everything can wait until tomorrow. Then, all of a sudden, we are going to have people over and my house is a mess, and I have to work extra hard to get it in order again. I have found that if I do at least one part of cleaning everyday, my house should be presentable. For example, today was dusting. I went through the whole house and dusted everything. This has given my day a little more direction. It is beneficially not only because my house will be clean, but it also helps me to schedule my day better. I have a goal of spending time reading my bible and praying everyday without fail, and this helps me to be able to do that. I have also found that if I spend my time wisely, cleaning my house, and reading and praying, I have much less time for the Internet. I was given a copy of Tyranny of the Urgent by Charles E. Hummel, and found it to be really helpful! How often we leave important work for another day, and spend our time doing "urgent" things. I've got lots of work to do correcting this behavior. Of course, it isn't me doing the work, but God doing the work in me. Nonetheless, I'll have much less time to spend sharing my life with the blog world. Keep my in your prayers as God continues to sanctify me.

The dentist...

It has been a few weeks since I blogged last. I have been trying to manage my time better, and blogging just hasn't made the cut. I'm going to try to update this thing soon...maybe. I just wanted to take the time to write about my daughters first trip to the dentist! She is extremely shy, and scared of pretty much anyone she doesn't know, so I thought a trip to the dentist would be horrible for us both. She is 4, and I've put it off for 2 years now because I didn't think either of us was ready. She proved me wrong today, big time. She was such a big girl! As I sat and watched her be brave, I was secretly holding back tears. She has grown up so much lately, and moments like that make me realize that time passes too quickly. The office was really neat, VERY kid friendly. She had a woman hygienist, which was awesome.
First they did her x-rays.

Then they got her ready to clean her teeth. She had to wear sunglasses because of the bright light they use. This part I was really nervous about. This was most definitely out of her comfort zone, but she did so great. This is when I was fighting back tears.

After all of that, the dentist came in. It was a man. Kaylee froze as soon as he walked in. He wanted her to lay down again so he could check her teeth out. I was on one side holding her hand, and the hygienist was holding the other hand. I could see tears starting to well up in her eyes behind the big purple glasses, but she fought them back. After a minute, she finally opened her mouth for him. He wanted her to bite down, but she wasn't going for that. He said her teeth look great, and her x-rays were good. No cavities!!

After that ordeal, we decided to go eat lunch with Brian. She told her Daddy that she was scared of the dentist because he looked like a bear! Holding back laughter, I asked her why she thought that, and she informed me that it was because he had facial hair, just like bears do! Apparently, that is scary to her! (Note to all of you men who try to get on her good side: Try shaving. lol) Of course, I think it is more than that, but that's the reason she gave for being so scared. She also told him that when they did the x-rays, it hurt, and she wanted to cry a little bit. But, she didn't, because she is a big girl! The dentist gave her a tooth brush, flosser, some toothpaste, and told her to come back in 6 months! We survived it!! 

P.S. I'd like to add that her pants are at least an inch or two too short. I tried to get her to change them before we left the house, but she wanted to wear them. Needless to say, they WILL disappear after I wash them next. ;)

I've got to start sleeping better...

I have never really slept well at night. For as long as I can remember, it has taken me forever to actually fall asleep, and I wake up randomly through out the night. This happens almost every night. I guess sometimes my body decides enough is enough, and I fall into a deep sleep. Weird things always happen when I actually sleep well. I either have bad dreams, or talk in my sleep (crazy talk) or sometimes I actually do things that seem normal to me, but I'm actually still dreaming. Once, I had a dream that Kaylee got up and came to our room (which was impossible because she had a baby gate up) so in my dream I panicked at the thought that she might leave our room and fall down the stairs. I got up and closed the door, and went back to sleep, no big deal. When Brian got up to leave for work, it was so dark in the room that he couldn't see I closed the door and he ran into it! I'll admit, I found humor in that one. ;)  Also, a few nights ago, Bubba woke up crying (again) and I asked Brian if he gave the younger kids their medicine. He is half asleep too, so he just keeps asking me "what??". Finally I say "NEVER MIND! I'll just do it myself!" and got up and went to Bubba's room. While checking on Bubba, I guess I fully woke up and realized I had absolutely NO clue what I was saying?!
I say all of that to tell this story...
I haven't had much sleep since Wed. because both kids are sick and running high fevers. Last night Bubba was fine, and fever free, but Kaylee still had a fever. We went to bed between 11 and 12, not sure exactly what time because I crashed out as Brian was reading. (Sorry babe!) Sometime after that, Kaylee started coughing, but it was a bad cough. It sounded like she was gasping for air or couldn't breathe or something. I'm not sure if it really sounded that bad, or if I just panicked at the thought of something being wrong. I jumped up in my bed (literally, I was standing on my bed) and ran over Brian, jumped down and ran in Kaylee's room. This completely freaked Brian out. I think it freaked Kaylee out a little, too. She said she was fine, and just needed to cough. So fine, all is well, and Mom just had a crazy, half asleep moment again. Only, I as I'm walking back to my room, I notice my leg hurts...bad. I look down and I have a huge knot and already starting to form bruise on my leg. I have NO idea how that happened! It even hurts to walk on it today. It goes all the way across my calf (Yeah, I know, that isn't very far lol) and I'm thinking it might take awhile to go away. Maybe the fact that I never sleep well at night is actually my body's way of preventing accidents like these! The kids seem to be getting better, so I'm hoping that means more restful nights for us all! I could sure use it!

A little bit of crazy

The past couple of days have been crazy around the Carney house. Late Wednesday night my son started running a high fever (102.9), and it has come back every 3-4 hours without fail. The highest it has gotten was 103.8 today. I took the kids to the Dr on Friday and she said Bubba has a throat infection and thrush. She peeked at Kaylee's throat, but said it looked fine. While waiting on medicine at Walgreens, Kaylee's fever set in, so I had to call the Dr back and get her medicine too. I haven't slept for more than an hour or two at a time since Wednesday night. I am so super concerned about these crazy high fevers that the doctor probably thinks I'm a crazy lady for calling so much. Both kids are on antibiotics, and I'm really hoping they start to kick in soon. I feel so helpless with them being so sick, I wish I could take it away for them. They seemed to be doing good this morning, playing and fever free, so I decided to have a lunch date with my bestie. As soon as we sat down in the restaurant, both kids started looking bad again. Bubba even fell asleep in my lap! That pretty much never happens! We hurried and ate, and I came home and took their temperatures. Kaylee was up to 103 and Bubba was 103.8. I gave them more medicine and we vegged out on the couch and watched a movie.
Today was the first time Kaylee cried during a movie! We were watching Chestnut, and there is a really sad part in the movie. I was a little teary eyed myself. Brian came home during that part, so I put it on pause. We looked over and realized Kaylee was crying. I asked her what was wrong, and she tried to play it off by saying "My eyes are watering! I don't know why my eyes are watering! I need to go potty!" LOL, I couldn't hold my laughter in. Then I had to explain to her that I wasn't laughing at her crying, I was laughing at her trying to hide her crying. That girl is so sweet and brings such big smiles to my face!
So, tomorrow we will be missing church to make sure the kids feel better. Pray for us that we maintain the strength and sanity to nurse our kids back to health, and that they will get better soon!

Entertainment

A few months ago, we got rid of our cable. We didn't watch TV much, and it just seemed like a waste of money. With no TV, I found myself on the computer even more. I'd chat with friends that I don't normally get to talk to, or just waste time away being nosey on facebook. I became very convicted of the poor way that I spend my time. Every quiet moment I got, rather than pray or read my bible, I would log in and "catch up". It seems so easy for our culture to abuse entertainment. Many christian families spend more time on facebook, myspace, video games or TV than meditating on the word of God. I am very convicted about the example this sets for my children. They have been entrusted to me, and it is my responsibility to train them in godliness. I often evaluate myself by looking through my children's eyes. What do they see me doing? We all know that actions speak louder than words, so what is it that I'm showing them. By just my actions, who would they think my god is? I haven't really been on the computer much at all the past few days, and it has been a real eye opener. I pray that I would use my time to glorify God rather than satisfy my flesh. I long to teach my children, by example, how to be a good steward of the precious time God has given them. I'm thankful for a God who loves me, forgives me, and sanctifies me. I'm thankful for a savior who would bear my sin, and die a death on the cross that I deserve, so that I no longer live as a slave to sin. In Gods great mercy, he chose me, when I am so unworthy. I pray that my life reflects the grace God has shown me, and that I always bring glory to his name. I encourage all of my christian brothers and sisters to take a few days (2 or more) off from all entertainment (computer, TV, video games) and see how dependent you have become on these things.

2 months

Today happens to be 2 months since we lost the baby. During my follow up visit with the dr, I told him that I really wanted a copy of the ultrasound pictures. He didn't think it was possible, but he was able to get me a disk. That actually works better for me, because I can put it away with the cards and things that I kept, and not have to worry about them getting messed up. I picked up the disk earlier this week, and found this picture where they measured the age that the baby had stopped growing. I was 15 weeks, however, the baby measured only 11 weeks and 1 day. In so many ways, my life has been a whirlwind these past few months. I've been forced to deal with things personally that have been locked away for so long. I've been trying to keep up with all of the work being a stay at home mom brings me, and still find time to grieve over this child. Sometimes it is a struggle for me to comprehend that I won't be holding this baby, nursing this baby, or raising this baby. By now, I would be nice and round, with a very active baby growing inside of me. But that wasn't God's plan, and I know his is far greater than mine could ever be. This experience has been a great eye opener for me in many ways. It has brought a greater understanding to me that my children have been entrusted to me, but ultimately, they belong to God. I will cherish every day he has given me with these children, because I know it is truly a gift and a blessing. It has also made me far more sensitive to my sisters who have experienced this as well, and also the ones who haven't been blessed with children. It has made me more aware, and made me see the need to teach my daughter that even though we want a baby, it may not be in Gods will. He may have a different plan for us, a better plan, and we should trust his plan. I do know that in this situation, I can see growth in many areas of my life. He has caused me to trust him, and depend on him more and more each day. I am thankful for this growth, and for this dependence on my Savior. I pray that as I deal with life, that Christ will always remain my focus, and my strength, and that in all I do, it would be for the glory of His name.

Being frugal

Since becoming a stay at home Mom, I have found many ways to save money. I desire to be a good steward of our money, and I am always searching out new ways to save money. Recently, I was on the Duggar website and came across a recipe to make your own laundry detergent. I do a lot of laundry, and thought that this could be really benificial to us. I told some friends about the idea, and they wanted to know how it worked out. We made our first batch last night, and it was fairly simply. I'd say the most work was in grating up the bar of soap. I read some things online that said you could leave the bar of soap in hot water overnight, and that it would dissolve. I think I'll try that next time. I just did my first load of laundry with it, and I am pleased! I bought some oil to fragrance it with, but I was kind of scared to put it in. Some information said it was safe, some said it could leave oil spots on your clothes. I decided not to chance it. I wouldn't be saving much money if I ruined a load of clothes and had to buy more, would I? They also have a money saving idea for fabric softener, so I think I'll try that. I figure that should scent the clothes plenty. I didn't use fabric softener with this load, but found that because of the scent of the bar of soap, my clothes still have a clean scent. Even though I've only begun to use this soap, I am really excited about the money that it will save! Plus, it makes 10 gallons of detergent, so I won't be needing to buy any for a while. We spent about $20 bucks total. $5 was on buying a 5-gallon bucket and a funnel. The washing soda I had to buy online, and it was about $8 (it is supposed to be available in some stores for around $2, but I wasn't able to find it around here.) I bought the borax from Target for only $3, and the zote from the dollar store for $1. We still have a lot of washing soda, and borax, so the next couple of batches I make I will only need to spend $1 on the Zote bars of soap. All in all, I think it is a pretty great deal!
Here is the recipe:
4 Cups - hot tap water
1 Fels-Naptha soap bar
1 Cup - Arm & Hammer Super Washing Soda
½ Cup Borax
- Grate bar of soap and add to saucepan with water. Stir continually over medium-low heat until soap dissolves and is melted.
-Fill a 5 gallon bucket half full of hot tap water. Add melted soap, washing soda and Borax. Stir well until all powder is dissolved. Fill bucket to top with more hot water. Stir, cover and let sit overnight to thicken.
-Stir and fill a used, clean, laundry soap dispenser half full with soap and then fill rest of way with water. Shake before each use. (will gel)
-Optional: You can add 10-15 drops of essential oil per 2 gallons. Add once soap has cooled. Ideas: lavender, rosemary, tea tree oil.
-Yield: Liquid soap recipe makes 10 gallons.
-Top Load Machine- 5/8 Cup per load (Approx. 180 loads)
-Front Load Machines- ¼ Cup per load (Approx. 640 loads)