The way things change

I haven't blogged in awhile, so I thought I would write about some random thoughts that you probably couldn't care less about. ;)
Last Friday, my husband and I celebrated our 5 yr anniversary. 5 years ago, on August 27th, we "tied the knot". I spend a lot of time reflecting on where we have been, and where we are now. My husband and I were two completely different people back then. 5 years ago, we were just two youngsters in love, working for the "American dream". Brian worked 2 jobs, and I worked one. We rarely went anywhere and did anything (mostly because Brian worked 2 jobs) and we loved spending all of our time together. We spent a LOT of time with my sister and my nephew. He was in many ways like a child to me. At least that is how I always looked at him and treated him. Brian and I had plans of what we wanted, and how we would get what we wanted. Sadly enough, God was never part of our plans. We got pregnant right away, bought a new car, and a new house. Brian quit one of his jobs, and I still worked. Life happened, and bonds that were once so tight with other people seemed to loosen, some are even non-existent now. We got pregnant again, and I finally stopped working. The greatest event, however, was my husband and I both being saved. This has been the biggest change, greatly effecting every other aspect of our lives. We are truly no longer who we used to be, who we started off as, and I am so very thankful for that. In Philippians it says "Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead..."  How true that is! Everything that was so important to me before is rubbish, unimportant, and pales in comparison to knowing my Savior! Entertainment that I used to enjoy now disgusts me and saddens me that I once was so eager to profane the name of my God. Things that I never understood, God has opened my eyes and made me see. My life is no longer mine (not that it ever was). I was bought with a price, ransomed, and my sole purpose in life is to glorify God and build his kingdom. There is always so much drama surrounding my life, things that are beyond my control. Sometimes it seems hard to deal with everything and everyone, trying to make everyone happy is impossible. Then I remember my purpose in this life, and I remember the promises of what lies ahead. These things are but a moment compared to the eternity I will spend with my dear Savior. As God continues to convict me of my sin and give me a heart of repentance, as God continues to sanctify me, I am ever thankful. He alone is worthy of all of the glory, he alone is worthy of my every praise. I thank God for the work that he has done in my husband and I. Even though we had no desire for him, he always loved us, and held us together. I know that without him, there is no way we could have withstood all of the storms we have faced together. I pray that he continues to use us, sanctify us, and that we would glorify him through our marriage and our lives.

Gods sovereign reign

Lately I've been thining about God and his sovereignty. Really, for a few months now, God has really been growing me in this area. I have been seeing Gods sovereignty in the smallest and largest areas of my life, like going to the grocery store and the things we need being on sale, or a certain scripture that I feel led to share that touches someones heart, or even this blog. I don't feel like I am a good writer, at all, but every so often I will have these reoccouring thoughts that I just feel I need to share. I know that it is the Spirit leading me and causing me to grow, so I try to share it with others in hopes that they may be blessed by it. I say all of this to say that I, in no way, have any talent. God is gracious and any good that comes from me is not of me, but of him.
So on with his sovereignty. Last night when Brian and I were talking, I was telling him that I just couldn't understand how someone wouldn't be thankful to serve a sovereign God. When I read what scripture says about man vs. what scripture says about God, it makes me scared to think what would happen if God weren't sovereign.

The bible on man:

1. Jeremiah 17:9 says "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?
2. Romans 8:6-7 "For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot."
3. Isaiah 64:6 "We have all become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment. We all fade like a leaf, and our iniquities, like the wind, take us away."
4. Genesis 6:5 "The Lord saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every intention of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually."
5. Proverbs 14:12 "There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death."
6. Romans 3:10-18 “None is righteous, no, not one; no one understands; no one seeks for God. All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one. Their throat is an open grave; they use their tongues to deceive. The venom of asps is under their lips. Their mouth is full of curses and bitterness. Their feet are swift to shed blood; in their paths are ruin and misery, and the way of peace they have not known. There is no fear of God before their eyes.”

The bible on Gods sovereignty:

1. Ephesians 1:11-12 "In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory."
2. Job 42:2 "I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted."
3. Psalm 103:19 "The Lord has established his throne in the heavens, and his kingdom rules over all."
4. Matthew 5:45 "For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust."
5. Galatians 1:15 "But when he who had set me apart before I was born, and who called me by his grace..."
6. Deuteronomy 8:18 "You shall remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you power to get wealth, that he may confirm his covenant that he swore to your fathers, as it is this day."
7. Proverbs 16:9 "The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps."

What I've learned is that my heart is deceitfully wicked. There is no way I could choose to love God without his grace and mercy resting upon me. In fact, without his grace and mercy, I wouldn't even be able to SEE how wicked the desires of my heart are. My path would be right in my own eyes (and it was), and it would lead me to death, straight to hell. Oh praise God for opening my eyes and showing me my sin. Praise God for breaking through my heart of stone and giving me a heart of flesh. Praise God for causing me to walk in his ways, and never leaving or forsaking me. Praise God for sending his Son, Jesus Christ, to bear the penalty for sin that I could never bear the weight of. I am so thankful to serve an all powerful God who is sovereign over all of his creation.

"Oh praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead!"

I am

In John 8:58, Jesus says to the Jews questioning him, "Truly, truly I say to you, before Abraham was, I am." I may have never known the meaning of this statement, the depth of Jesus' words, without the guidance of my pastor. Jesus was making a bold statement of his deity here. I AM was the covenant name of GOD used by the Israelites in Exodus 3:14. Right now my pastor is preaching through the book of John, and I feel like I am learning so much about the nature of Jesus. For the past month or so, the words "I AM" have come to mind on a regular basis. Jesus says he is many things in the bible. A few examples are: I am the living bread; from above; the light of the world; the door; the good Shepherd; the Son of God; the resurrection and the life; the way, the truth, and the life; the true vine. As I have gone through the tragedy of having a miscarriage, I have found an unexplainable peace in the truth of Gods word. Nothing happens apart from the will of God, nothing takes him by surprise. Jesus is the good Shepard, who cares for his flock. John 10:27-29 says "My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me,  is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's hand." I am in the hand of Jesus Christ, and he loves me. There is NOTHING that can snatch me from his hand, and there is no safer place for me to be. I find great comfort in this truth. I go through nothing alone, Jesus is always holding me. Jesus has ALWAYS ruled sovereignly over the earth, and always will. Without knowing Christ, I'm not sure how I could have dealt with this tragedy. I'm sure I would be in a poor, poor pitiful me mood for who knows how long, questioning why things didn't go my way and why God would do this to me. I haven't felt that way at all, from the first sign of a problem I knew that no matter the outcome, God was in control, and had a perfect plan. God would use this for my good, and his glory, and I can already see the he has. Just a few words that come to mind when I think of who Jesus is are creator, Lord, ruler, and Savior. He is the alpha and omega, the beginning and the end, the lamb who was slain before the foundation of the earth was laid, Jesus is the great I am!

The power of words

Words can have a great effect on people, both in a good way, and bad. I have experienced a wide spectrum of words in the past week. Words that have caused me to feel anxiety, fear, devastation, pain, anger, resentment, love, joy, appreciation. These are just a tip of the emotions I have felt over this past week. I'm reminded all the more of the power of words, both my words to others, and their words to me. I want to guard my tongue, and be aware of my words before I speak. I know I cannot do this alone, in James 3:7-8 it says "For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue." I am capable of no good on my own, so I rely fully on God to continually change my heart and mold me into the image of his Son, Jesus Christ, and to lead me with his Spirit. One way he does this is by the reading of his words, so lets see what the bible has to say about words.

1. Prov 12:18- There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
2. Matt 15:18- But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person.
3. Matt 12:34-37 You brood of vipers! How can you speak good, when you are evil? For out of  the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. The good person out of his good treasure brings forth good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure brings forth evil. I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.”
4. Col 3:8- But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth.
5. Eph 4:29- Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.
6. Prov 16:24- Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body.
7. Prov 13:3- Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life; he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin.
8. Prov 18:21- Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.
9. Prov 21:23- Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble.
10. Prov 10:19- When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.
11. James 1:26- If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person's religion is worthless.
12. Prov 17:9- Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends.
13. Prov 15:4- A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit. 
14. Prov 17:27-  Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding.
15. Prov 15:1- A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
16. Prov 25:11- A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.
17. Prov 18:13- If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.
18. Luke 6:45- The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.
19. Prov 15:2- The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouths of fools pour out folly.
20. Prov 29:20- Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him.
21. Prov 17:28- Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent.
22. Prov 11:12- Whoever belittles his neighbor lacks sense, but a man of understanding remains silent.
23. Prov 27:6- Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.
24. James 1:19-20- Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.
25. Psalm 19:14- Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.

This is not an exhaustive list, this is just some of what the bible has to say about our words. As I reflect on these words, I am reminded of just how powerful our words can be. As I deal with issues in my life, I seek to act in a way that honors God and brings glory to his name. I do not want to respond in anger, for that doesn't produce the righteousness of God. I do not want to speak words that are not useful for the building of his kingdom.
God, help me to bridle my tongue, to remain silent and still until you tell me to move. Help me to seek your guidance, and the counsel of my brothers and sisters in Christ, and to confront every situation in my life in a way that Christ is exalted. Use me, and use what others mean for harm for good, that I may become more like Christ and that you may be glorified. Amen.

Just an update...

Today I deleted my Facebook account. It was apparently causing problems that I just don't have in me to deal with at the moment. I may reactivate it one day, maybe not. I just want to say I am thankful to everyone for everything. I haven't been able to speak much, and its not because I want to be rude, its just that sometimes words are more than I can bear. If any of you want to contact me, you can email me at debbiecarney@rocketmail.com. I'll try to update my blog when I can. Thank you all of your patience with me, and your prayers and kind words. They do not go unnoticed, it means more to me than you know.

Mourning

Today has been one of the worst days I have experienced in my life. Ironically, today also happens to be a celebration of one of the happiest days of my life. You see, 9 years ago today, my now husband asked me to be his girlfriend. 9 years ago today, my now husband told me those three little words what would come to mean so much, I love you. I should be happy, and reflecting on the wonderful place that God has brought us, despite our great unfaithfulness to him, he chose us. He turned our hearts of stone to flesh, and caused us to walk in his ways. He brought us here, to this day, a day that I could probably only get through by the grace that my precious Savior has shown me. You see, today, I lost a child.
Today I was 15 weeks pregnant. I knew that something was wrong a few weeks ago, but I'll blog about that another day. This morning at 4:10 am, I started to feel a great deal of pain, much like that of labor. I was having contractions, and slight bleeding. I knew that I was going to miscarry, and that the er could do nothing for me except take all of my money. So I suffered through contractions until I could get to the Dr office, which was at 8am. He checked me, and said that my cervix was still closed, but I was contracting and he couldn't find a heartbeat. I already had an ultrasound scheduled, so I went ahead and drank my water and waited my turn. Ultrasounds are supposed to be a happy occasion, but today, it ripped my world as I know it apart. I could see the baby, but there was no movement, no heartbeat. I asked the tech if that was my baby, but she wouldn't answer me. I know she was just doing her job, but I wanted to know if that was the last time I would see my baby. I broke down immediately because I knew that her answer meant nothing but bad news. There was no fetal heartbeat at all. She walked out of the room for a minute to call the Dr, and left the pictures up on the screen. I could see the baby, and it looked like a baby, not just a tiny speck. I could see the head. This brought me comfort, and pain. As I made my way back to the Dr office, I knew what was coming. I did not have a viable pregnancy, and he gave me my options. I wanted to go home and let this happen as naturally as possible. I was in extreme pain (about 8 hours of labor, with no meds, and no baby at the end of it all) so he gave me some pain medication, and a medicine to help the miscarriage pass sooner. A little while after I came home, I have a few gushes that seemed like what was my miscarriage. After about an hour, I was in extreme pain again, and I couldn't keep anything down. I had thrown up all day, and I started feeling weak. I went back in, and he said the baby hadn't passed yet. He gave me some staydol, and removed the "tissue" in hopes that I wouldn't have to do a d/c. He also gave me a shot to stop my nausea. He was a wonderful doctor, and I was very happy with the way he handled things today. I'm still in pain, so I'm not sure the real emotions have fully set in. I know its not the end of the world. I know that I have 2 beautiful children that I am thankful for, and that I can have more. But today, I am mourning the loss of my 3rd child. As I mourn, I pray that I only look above and seek comfort from my dear Savior and his word. I pray that I handle this in a way that brings glory to my God, for I know that he is a sovereign God who works all things for the good of his children. Although I may never understand the will of God, I will seek him in this time, and trust in him whole heartedly as my rock and my redeemer.