Mourning

Today has been one of the worst days I have experienced in my life. Ironically, today also happens to be a celebration of one of the happiest days of my life. You see, 9 years ago today, my now husband asked me to be his girlfriend. 9 years ago today, my now husband told me those three little words what would come to mean so much, I love you. I should be happy, and reflecting on the wonderful place that God has brought us, despite our great unfaithfulness to him, he chose us. He turned our hearts of stone to flesh, and caused us to walk in his ways. He brought us here, to this day, a day that I could probably only get through by the grace that my precious Savior has shown me. You see, today, I lost a child.
Today I was 15 weeks pregnant. I knew that something was wrong a few weeks ago, but I'll blog about that another day. This morning at 4:10 am, I started to feel a great deal of pain, much like that of labor. I was having contractions, and slight bleeding. I knew that I was going to miscarry, and that the er could do nothing for me except take all of my money. So I suffered through contractions until I could get to the Dr office, which was at 8am. He checked me, and said that my cervix was still closed, but I was contracting and he couldn't find a heartbeat. I already had an ultrasound scheduled, so I went ahead and drank my water and waited my turn. Ultrasounds are supposed to be a happy occasion, but today, it ripped my world as I know it apart. I could see the baby, but there was no movement, no heartbeat. I asked the tech if that was my baby, but she wouldn't answer me. I know she was just doing her job, but I wanted to know if that was the last time I would see my baby. I broke down immediately because I knew that her answer meant nothing but bad news. There was no fetal heartbeat at all. She walked out of the room for a minute to call the Dr, and left the pictures up on the screen. I could see the baby, and it looked like a baby, not just a tiny speck. I could see the head. This brought me comfort, and pain. As I made my way back to the Dr office, I knew what was coming. I did not have a viable pregnancy, and he gave me my options. I wanted to go home and let this happen as naturally as possible. I was in extreme pain (about 8 hours of labor, with no meds, and no baby at the end of it all) so he gave me some pain medication, and a medicine to help the miscarriage pass sooner. A little while after I came home, I have a few gushes that seemed like what was my miscarriage. After about an hour, I was in extreme pain again, and I couldn't keep anything down. I had thrown up all day, and I started feeling weak. I went back in, and he said the baby hadn't passed yet. He gave me some staydol, and removed the "tissue" in hopes that I wouldn't have to do a d/c. He also gave me a shot to stop my nausea. He was a wonderful doctor, and I was very happy with the way he handled things today. I'm still in pain, so I'm not sure the real emotions have fully set in. I know its not the end of the world. I know that I have 2 beautiful children that I am thankful for, and that I can have more. But today, I am mourning the loss of my 3rd child. As I mourn, I pray that I only look above and seek comfort from my dear Savior and his word. I pray that I handle this in a way that brings glory to my God, for I know that he is a sovereign God who works all things for the good of his children. Although I may never understand the will of God, I will seek him in this time, and trust in him whole heartedly as my rock and my redeemer.