Weakness

Over the past few weeks, I've had many sleepless nights where I lay awake and my mind goes crazy with thoughts. Mostly things of my past, things I've never really dealt with. I've been struggling as I attempt to work through these things through counseling. For many years, I've hid everything away and boxed it up tight, so I never have to actually feel the emotions. These emotions only come up around holidays, when I see or speak of these people, or in the quiet of night when I wonder if they think of me as often as I think of them. Without getting into great detail, the broken relationships have a great effect on my children and I, and I hurt for my children. Last night, in a moment of weakness, I wondered "Why me, God? This isn't fair". Quickly, I reminded myself that it isn't about me, that it is all for God's glory. That God can and will use this situation to mold me into the image of his Son, Jesus Christ. That as a believer, God works all things for my ultimate good. These are all things I know, so how could I doubt? As I sat and cried over everything I don't have, it made me all the more sad that I am wasting precious time focusing on things shouldn't be of top priority. Rather than meditating on scripture, I'm meditating on the past that I can't change. I feel like such a failure sometimes. Then, this scripture comes to mind, "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Cor. 12:9-10) I praise God that he saved me, of no doing of my own. I praise God for the gospel that I hope in, and the moments that he brings me to my knees, causing me to sit at the foot of the cross and rest in his grace. It is when I am brought low that I feel the most growth, that I increase in faith and dependence, and that I hold tightest to Gods promises and sovereignty. I pray that as I work through my past, I will grow increasingly dependent on him, and that he will continue to sanctify me.

Oh how they grow

Lately my children have been growing quickly before my eyes. I'm so thankful to be with them all day, everyday, and get to see all the new things they do. My daughter is starting to look so much more "grown up". She is maturing very quickly. We are doing preschool "school work", and she does so well! She LOVES to do school work, and picks things up pretty quickly. I'm hoping she stays this way, then homeschooling won't be so hard! (With her at least lol) She is learning to sound out words, and spell things. Her writing is getting very good. I am constantly amazed at just how much she understands and remembers. My son will be 2 in December, and he is doing so many new things here lately. We have been potty training, and I think it is going well. I have him in underwear all the time, except when we go in public, and he will now tell me when he needs to go potty. He has also learned how to take his underwear off and put them back on by himself. He is developing quite the vocabulary, and has a language all his own. ;) He is a very sweet Mommas boy who already knows how to melt my heart. He LOVES his big sister, and loves to do whatever it is she is doing, even if she doesn't want him to. When Brian comes home from work, he stops whatever he is doing, jumps up and runs to the door to hug Daddy.
Being a Mom is such a blessing to me. Most days, I'm overworked, exhausted, and probably half crazy, but I wouldn't change it one bit. While I'm sad that my babies aren't really babies anymore, I am loving watching them grow, and being able to teach them.

Contentment

I have been struggling this week with being content. We learn in scripture that there is great gain in godliness with contentment (1 Timothy 6:6), and that we should be content in whatever situation we are in (Philippians 4:11). Hebrews 13:5 says "Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” I've struggled with this off and on, but have really had a hard time this week. We have always been taken care of, and I would say that it is even in abundance. When I consider what they have in other countries, I live like a queen. I have the ability to stay home and raise my children, which seems to be a luxury these days. I've got a roof over my head, 2 paid for vehicles, and eat good food every night. I'd say I have it really great. But somehow, my flesh says it isn't enough. I want more. I want to shop for things I don't really need. My treasure is to be in heaven, not on this earth. As I fight this desire for more earthly gain, I rest in the arms of my dear Savior who promised to carry me through to perfection. I'm thankful for time like these, because they are constant reminders that I am a great sinner in need of a Savior, and I find just that at the foot of the cross. I was dead in my trespasses, but I was made alive in Christ, and called to walk in newness of life with him. I no longer excuse, or ignore this sin in my life, but I repent and seek Christ.
"Two things I ask of you;
deny them not to me before I die:
Remove far from me falsehood and lying;
give me neither poverty nor riches;
feed me with the food that is needful for me,
lest I be full and deny you
and say, “Who is the Lord?”
or lest I be poor and steal
and profane the name of my God." -Proverbs 30:7-9
 
Lord, I pray that you would continue to convict me of this sin in my life, and that I would be faithful to repent and turn to you. Make me desire what you desire, and love what you love. Help me to truly believe that my treasure is not on this earth, but in the presence of Jesus Christ. Use me, Lord, to glorify your name. Amen.

How to help

Tomorrow will be one month since I lost my baby. Sometimes it is still difficult, and I long to be pregnant. We have decided that we will try again next year. Many questions have entered my mind about how we will do things next time. Will we wait to tell everybody, or will we share the great news right away? Will we give the new baby (Lord willing) the names we picked out this pregnancy, or will we come up with new ones? There are a million things that can run through your mind when something like this happens, but at the end of the day my child's life was never in my control. So no, as of my plans right now, I will not wait to tell people if we are pregnant again. I lost my baby at 15 weeks, which is beyond the 12 weeks they suggest you wait. The main reason is because a pregnancy is a joyous occasion. It is such an overwhelming amount of joy that God given you this child, and I just don't know how I could not want to share that. If I have another miscarriage, it was in Gods will whether people knew about the pregnancy or not. If I have another miscarriage, like this one, I won't grieve alone. People will share in joy with me, and if need be, they will share in mourning. A friend of mine shared a blog with me that talked about what you should/shouldn't say and do when a friend has had a miscarriage. It was a wonderful blog, and everything was so true! She suggested I write a blog about what I found helpful during my miscarriage. So here goes.

We were blessed with many kind acts, a beautiful surrounding of people who were praying for us along the way. This is the first thing you should do for someone you know who has suffered a miscarriage, pray for them. I know that a lot of people were praying for us, and I may not know each one by name, but I appreciate every prayer.

Make them food. This was a huge help for me. My Mom and Mother in law were kind enough to make meals for me and my family. Other people offered, but we had plenty already.

My Mom also watched the kids for me the first night. That was very helpful since I was still in pain, physically and emotionally. It gave me and my husband time to be alone to grieve, and go to follow up appointments that were needed.

A few people sent us flowers. It kind of shocked me, but it meant the world to me. We also got some cards, and they all were so sweet. I kept every one of them. It was all a reminder that we were not alone.

If you want to comfort someone and don't know what to say, just hug them. Just tell them you love them, and you are praying for them. No amount of words you say will ease the pain they are feeling, but it is comforting to know people love you.

Many women reached out and told me the story of their miscarriage. The other blog was against doing this, but I found it helpful. Of course it made me sad that so many people had felt what I was feeling, but I also knew that these were people who would be able to understand things from a different perspective.

Don't tell them "you are young and healthy, you can have another baby". It doesn't matter if it is true, it is the last thing they want to hear. Yes, they can have another baby, but that will never bring back the baby they lost. Can you imagine telling a new widow "Don't worry, you can remarry"?

Don't forget Daddy. He felt the loss too, it was his child too. Now he is not only grieving the loss of his child, but helping his wife through her healing process. I give a lot of credit to my husband for completely picking up my slack, and being so understanding of my grieving. I'm also thankful for the support system he had to help him through this. Dads need support and love too.

Don't tiptoe around things as though they didn't happen. This was a biggie for me. The doctor, the ultrasound tech, neither of them would directly address my questions with the truth. I wanted to see my baby, and I wasn't allowed to. When the doctor removed the baby from my cervix and I asked if that was the baby, he called it tissue. If it was a baby before you removed it, it is still a baby. It may not resemble a baby, but that is what it was. It doesn't make me feel better to have you speak of my child as though he/she never existed. Don't keep your babies away from me. I know this is a touchy one for some people, but as for me, I love your babies. It doesn't make me sad to know that you have a healthy baby and I don't, it makes me happy that you have a healthy baby that I get the joy of knowing.

Don't, for any reason whatsoever, try to understand what was wrong that made my baby pass away. Don't tell me that I should do this or that different next time. Don't suggest it was something I did, or ate, or whatever that caused this to happen. GOD is in control. HE controls life and death, not me. There is nothing I could have done to save my baby, because my baby's life was always in the hands of a powerful God who works all things according to the counsel of his will.

Be patient with them. They may grieve in a way that you cannot understand. They may want to be alone, they may want to be around a group of people, they may want to keep everything private and not tell anyone, or they may feel the desire to talk about it. Let them grieve, and be there for them however they need you to. If that means you don't "do" anything at all, then that is what is helpful to them. You are serving them in their time of need, however they need it, and they will remember that.

In saying all of that, I would like to say thank you for everything you did. Whether it be praying for us, sending cards, watching our children, making us food, saying kind words and hugging us, or just being silent, and allowing us time to grieve, whatever you did, thank you.