Tomorrow will be one month since I lost my baby. Sometimes it is still difficult, and I long to be pregnant. We have decided that we will try again next year. Many questions have entered my mind about how we will do things next time. Will we wait to tell everybody, or will we share the great news right away? Will we give the new baby (Lord willing) the names we picked out this pregnancy, or will we come up with new ones? There are a million things that can run through your mind when something like this happens, but at the end of the day my child's life was never in my control. So no, as of my plans right now, I will not wait to tell people if we are pregnant again. I lost my baby at 15 weeks, which is beyond the 12 weeks they suggest you wait. The main reason is because a pregnancy is a joyous occasion. It is such an overwhelming amount of joy that God given you this child, and I just don't know how I could not want to share that. If I have another miscarriage, it was in Gods will whether people knew about the pregnancy or not. If I have another miscarriage, like this one, I won't grieve alone. People will share in joy with me, and if need be, they will share in mourning. A friend of mine shared a blog with me that talked about what you should/shouldn't say and do when a friend has had a miscarriage. It was a wonderful blog, and everything was so true! She suggested I write a blog about what I found helpful during my miscarriage. So here goes.
We were blessed with many kind acts, a beautiful surrounding of people who were praying for us along the way. This is the first thing you should do for someone you know who has suffered a miscarriage, pray for them. I know that a lot of people were praying for us, and I may not know each one by name, but I appreciate every prayer.
Make them food. This was a huge help for me. My Mom and Mother in law were kind enough to make meals for me and my family. Other people offered, but we had plenty already.
My Mom also watched the kids for me the first night. That was very helpful since I was still in pain, physically and emotionally. It gave me and my husband time to be alone to grieve, and go to follow up appointments that were needed.
A few people sent us flowers. It kind of shocked me, but it meant the world to me. We also got some cards, and they all were so sweet. I kept every one of them. It was all a reminder that we were not alone.
If you want to comfort someone and don't know what to say, just hug them. Just tell them you love them, and you are praying for them. No amount of words you say will ease the pain they are feeling, but it is comforting to know people love you.
Many women reached out and told me the story of their miscarriage. The other blog was against doing this, but I found it helpful. Of course it made me sad that so many people had felt what I was feeling, but I also knew that these were people who would be able to understand things from a different perspective.
Don't tell them "you are young and healthy, you can have another baby". It doesn't matter if it is true, it is the last thing they want to hear. Yes, they can have another baby, but that will never bring back the baby they lost. Can you imagine telling a new widow "Don't worry, you can remarry"?
Don't forget Daddy. He felt the loss too, it was his child too. Now he is not only grieving the loss of his child, but helping his wife through her healing process. I give a lot of credit to my husband for completely picking up my slack, and being so understanding of my grieving. I'm also thankful for the support system he had to help him through this. Dads need support and love too.
Don't tiptoe around things as though they didn't happen. This was a biggie for me. The doctor, the ultrasound tech, neither of them would directly address my questions with the truth. I wanted to see my baby, and I wasn't allowed to. When the doctor removed the baby from my cervix and I asked if that was the baby, he called it tissue. If it was a baby before you removed it, it is still a baby. It may not resemble a baby, but that is what it was. It doesn't make me feel better to have you speak of my child as though he/she never existed. Don't keep your babies away from me. I know this is a touchy one for some people, but as for me, I love your babies. It doesn't make me sad to know that you have a healthy baby and I don't, it makes me happy that you have a healthy baby that I get the joy of knowing.
Don't, for any reason whatsoever, try to understand what was wrong that made my baby pass away. Don't tell me that I should do this or that different next time. Don't suggest it was something I did, or ate, or whatever that caused this to happen. GOD is in control. HE controls life and death, not me. There is nothing I could have done to save my baby, because my baby's life was always in the hands of a powerful God who works all things according to the counsel of his will.
Be patient with them. They may grieve in a way that you cannot understand. They may want to be alone, they may want to be around a group of people, they may want to keep everything private and not tell anyone, or they may feel the desire to talk about it. Let them grieve, and be there for them however they need you to. If that means you don't "do" anything at all, then that is what is helpful to them. You are serving them in their time of need, however they need it, and they will remember that.
In saying all of that, I would like to say thank you for everything you did. Whether it be praying for us, sending cards, watching our children, making us food, saying kind words and hugging us, or just being silent, and allowing us time to grieve, whatever you did, thank you.
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