Weakness

Over the past few weeks, I've had many sleepless nights where I lay awake and my mind goes crazy with thoughts. Mostly things of my past, things I've never really dealt with. I've been struggling as I attempt to work through these things through counseling. For many years, I've hid everything away and boxed it up tight, so I never have to actually feel the emotions. These emotions only come up around holidays, when I see or speak of these people, or in the quiet of night when I wonder if they think of me as often as I think of them. Without getting into great detail, the broken relationships have a great effect on my children and I, and I hurt for my children. Last night, in a moment of weakness, I wondered "Why me, God? This isn't fair". Quickly, I reminded myself that it isn't about me, that it is all for God's glory. That God can and will use this situation to mold me into the image of his Son, Jesus Christ. That as a believer, God works all things for my ultimate good. These are all things I know, so how could I doubt? As I sat and cried over everything I don't have, it made me all the more sad that I am wasting precious time focusing on things shouldn't be of top priority. Rather than meditating on scripture, I'm meditating on the past that I can't change. I feel like such a failure sometimes. Then, this scripture comes to mind, "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Cor. 12:9-10) I praise God that he saved me, of no doing of my own. I praise God for the gospel that I hope in, and the moments that he brings me to my knees, causing me to sit at the foot of the cross and rest in his grace. It is when I am brought low that I feel the most growth, that I increase in faith and dependence, and that I hold tightest to Gods promises and sovereignty. I pray that as I work through my past, I will grow increasingly dependent on him, and that he will continue to sanctify me.