Weakness

Over the past few weeks, I've had many sleepless nights where I lay awake and my mind goes crazy with thoughts. Mostly things of my past, things I've never really dealt with. I've been struggling as I attempt to work through these things through counseling. For many years, I've hid everything away and boxed it up tight, so I never have to actually feel the emotions. These emotions only come up around holidays, when I see or speak of these people, or in the quiet of night when I wonder if they think of me as often as I think of them. Without getting into great detail, the broken relationships have a great effect on my children and I, and I hurt for my children. Last night, in a moment of weakness, I wondered "Why me, God? This isn't fair". Quickly, I reminded myself that it isn't about me, that it is all for God's glory. That God can and will use this situation to mold me into the image of his Son, Jesus Christ. That as a believer, God works all things for my ultimate good. These are all things I know, so how could I doubt? As I sat and cried over everything I don't have, it made me all the more sad that I am wasting precious time focusing on things shouldn't be of top priority. Rather than meditating on scripture, I'm meditating on the past that I can't change. I feel like such a failure sometimes. Then, this scripture comes to mind, "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Cor. 12:9-10) I praise God that he saved me, of no doing of my own. I praise God for the gospel that I hope in, and the moments that he brings me to my knees, causing me to sit at the foot of the cross and rest in his grace. It is when I am brought low that I feel the most growth, that I increase in faith and dependence, and that I hold tightest to Gods promises and sovereignty. I pray that as I work through my past, I will grow increasingly dependent on him, and that he will continue to sanctify me.

Oh how they grow

Lately my children have been growing quickly before my eyes. I'm so thankful to be with them all day, everyday, and get to see all the new things they do. My daughter is starting to look so much more "grown up". She is maturing very quickly. We are doing preschool "school work", and she does so well! She LOVES to do school work, and picks things up pretty quickly. I'm hoping she stays this way, then homeschooling won't be so hard! (With her at least lol) She is learning to sound out words, and spell things. Her writing is getting very good. I am constantly amazed at just how much she understands and remembers. My son will be 2 in December, and he is doing so many new things here lately. We have been potty training, and I think it is going well. I have him in underwear all the time, except when we go in public, and he will now tell me when he needs to go potty. He has also learned how to take his underwear off and put them back on by himself. He is developing quite the vocabulary, and has a language all his own. ;) He is a very sweet Mommas boy who already knows how to melt my heart. He LOVES his big sister, and loves to do whatever it is she is doing, even if she doesn't want him to. When Brian comes home from work, he stops whatever he is doing, jumps up and runs to the door to hug Daddy.
Being a Mom is such a blessing to me. Most days, I'm overworked, exhausted, and probably half crazy, but I wouldn't change it one bit. While I'm sad that my babies aren't really babies anymore, I am loving watching them grow, and being able to teach them.

Contentment

I have been struggling this week with being content. We learn in scripture that there is great gain in godliness with contentment (1 Timothy 6:6), and that we should be content in whatever situation we are in (Philippians 4:11). Hebrews 13:5 says "Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” I've struggled with this off and on, but have really had a hard time this week. We have always been taken care of, and I would say that it is even in abundance. When I consider what they have in other countries, I live like a queen. I have the ability to stay home and raise my children, which seems to be a luxury these days. I've got a roof over my head, 2 paid for vehicles, and eat good food every night. I'd say I have it really great. But somehow, my flesh says it isn't enough. I want more. I want to shop for things I don't really need. My treasure is to be in heaven, not on this earth. As I fight this desire for more earthly gain, I rest in the arms of my dear Savior who promised to carry me through to perfection. I'm thankful for time like these, because they are constant reminders that I am a great sinner in need of a Savior, and I find just that at the foot of the cross. I was dead in my trespasses, but I was made alive in Christ, and called to walk in newness of life with him. I no longer excuse, or ignore this sin in my life, but I repent and seek Christ.
"Two things I ask of you;
deny them not to me before I die:
Remove far from me falsehood and lying;
give me neither poverty nor riches;
feed me with the food that is needful for me,
lest I be full and deny you
and say, “Who is the Lord?”
or lest I be poor and steal
and profane the name of my God." -Proverbs 30:7-9
 
Lord, I pray that you would continue to convict me of this sin in my life, and that I would be faithful to repent and turn to you. Make me desire what you desire, and love what you love. Help me to truly believe that my treasure is not on this earth, but in the presence of Jesus Christ. Use me, Lord, to glorify your name. Amen.

How to help

Tomorrow will be one month since I lost my baby. Sometimes it is still difficult, and I long to be pregnant. We have decided that we will try again next year. Many questions have entered my mind about how we will do things next time. Will we wait to tell everybody, or will we share the great news right away? Will we give the new baby (Lord willing) the names we picked out this pregnancy, or will we come up with new ones? There are a million things that can run through your mind when something like this happens, but at the end of the day my child's life was never in my control. So no, as of my plans right now, I will not wait to tell people if we are pregnant again. I lost my baby at 15 weeks, which is beyond the 12 weeks they suggest you wait. The main reason is because a pregnancy is a joyous occasion. It is such an overwhelming amount of joy that God given you this child, and I just don't know how I could not want to share that. If I have another miscarriage, it was in Gods will whether people knew about the pregnancy or not. If I have another miscarriage, like this one, I won't grieve alone. People will share in joy with me, and if need be, they will share in mourning. A friend of mine shared a blog with me that talked about what you should/shouldn't say and do when a friend has had a miscarriage. It was a wonderful blog, and everything was so true! She suggested I write a blog about what I found helpful during my miscarriage. So here goes.

We were blessed with many kind acts, a beautiful surrounding of people who were praying for us along the way. This is the first thing you should do for someone you know who has suffered a miscarriage, pray for them. I know that a lot of people were praying for us, and I may not know each one by name, but I appreciate every prayer.

Make them food. This was a huge help for me. My Mom and Mother in law were kind enough to make meals for me and my family. Other people offered, but we had plenty already.

My Mom also watched the kids for me the first night. That was very helpful since I was still in pain, physically and emotionally. It gave me and my husband time to be alone to grieve, and go to follow up appointments that were needed.

A few people sent us flowers. It kind of shocked me, but it meant the world to me. We also got some cards, and they all were so sweet. I kept every one of them. It was all a reminder that we were not alone.

If you want to comfort someone and don't know what to say, just hug them. Just tell them you love them, and you are praying for them. No amount of words you say will ease the pain they are feeling, but it is comforting to know people love you.

Many women reached out and told me the story of their miscarriage. The other blog was against doing this, but I found it helpful. Of course it made me sad that so many people had felt what I was feeling, but I also knew that these were people who would be able to understand things from a different perspective.

Don't tell them "you are young and healthy, you can have another baby". It doesn't matter if it is true, it is the last thing they want to hear. Yes, they can have another baby, but that will never bring back the baby they lost. Can you imagine telling a new widow "Don't worry, you can remarry"?

Don't forget Daddy. He felt the loss too, it was his child too. Now he is not only grieving the loss of his child, but helping his wife through her healing process. I give a lot of credit to my husband for completely picking up my slack, and being so understanding of my grieving. I'm also thankful for the support system he had to help him through this. Dads need support and love too.

Don't tiptoe around things as though they didn't happen. This was a biggie for me. The doctor, the ultrasound tech, neither of them would directly address my questions with the truth. I wanted to see my baby, and I wasn't allowed to. When the doctor removed the baby from my cervix and I asked if that was the baby, he called it tissue. If it was a baby before you removed it, it is still a baby. It may not resemble a baby, but that is what it was. It doesn't make me feel better to have you speak of my child as though he/she never existed. Don't keep your babies away from me. I know this is a touchy one for some people, but as for me, I love your babies. It doesn't make me sad to know that you have a healthy baby and I don't, it makes me happy that you have a healthy baby that I get the joy of knowing.

Don't, for any reason whatsoever, try to understand what was wrong that made my baby pass away. Don't tell me that I should do this or that different next time. Don't suggest it was something I did, or ate, or whatever that caused this to happen. GOD is in control. HE controls life and death, not me. There is nothing I could have done to save my baby, because my baby's life was always in the hands of a powerful God who works all things according to the counsel of his will.

Be patient with them. They may grieve in a way that you cannot understand. They may want to be alone, they may want to be around a group of people, they may want to keep everything private and not tell anyone, or they may feel the desire to talk about it. Let them grieve, and be there for them however they need you to. If that means you don't "do" anything at all, then that is what is helpful to them. You are serving them in their time of need, however they need it, and they will remember that.

In saying all of that, I would like to say thank you for everything you did. Whether it be praying for us, sending cards, watching our children, making us food, saying kind words and hugging us, or just being silent, and allowing us time to grieve, whatever you did, thank you.

The way things change

I haven't blogged in awhile, so I thought I would write about some random thoughts that you probably couldn't care less about. ;)
Last Friday, my husband and I celebrated our 5 yr anniversary. 5 years ago, on August 27th, we "tied the knot". I spend a lot of time reflecting on where we have been, and where we are now. My husband and I were two completely different people back then. 5 years ago, we were just two youngsters in love, working for the "American dream". Brian worked 2 jobs, and I worked one. We rarely went anywhere and did anything (mostly because Brian worked 2 jobs) and we loved spending all of our time together. We spent a LOT of time with my sister and my nephew. He was in many ways like a child to me. At least that is how I always looked at him and treated him. Brian and I had plans of what we wanted, and how we would get what we wanted. Sadly enough, God was never part of our plans. We got pregnant right away, bought a new car, and a new house. Brian quit one of his jobs, and I still worked. Life happened, and bonds that were once so tight with other people seemed to loosen, some are even non-existent now. We got pregnant again, and I finally stopped working. The greatest event, however, was my husband and I both being saved. This has been the biggest change, greatly effecting every other aspect of our lives. We are truly no longer who we used to be, who we started off as, and I am so very thankful for that. In Philippians it says "Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead..."  How true that is! Everything that was so important to me before is rubbish, unimportant, and pales in comparison to knowing my Savior! Entertainment that I used to enjoy now disgusts me and saddens me that I once was so eager to profane the name of my God. Things that I never understood, God has opened my eyes and made me see. My life is no longer mine (not that it ever was). I was bought with a price, ransomed, and my sole purpose in life is to glorify God and build his kingdom. There is always so much drama surrounding my life, things that are beyond my control. Sometimes it seems hard to deal with everything and everyone, trying to make everyone happy is impossible. Then I remember my purpose in this life, and I remember the promises of what lies ahead. These things are but a moment compared to the eternity I will spend with my dear Savior. As God continues to convict me of my sin and give me a heart of repentance, as God continues to sanctify me, I am ever thankful. He alone is worthy of all of the glory, he alone is worthy of my every praise. I thank God for the work that he has done in my husband and I. Even though we had no desire for him, he always loved us, and held us together. I know that without him, there is no way we could have withstood all of the storms we have faced together. I pray that he continues to use us, sanctify us, and that we would glorify him through our marriage and our lives.

Gods sovereign reign

Lately I've been thining about God and his sovereignty. Really, for a few months now, God has really been growing me in this area. I have been seeing Gods sovereignty in the smallest and largest areas of my life, like going to the grocery store and the things we need being on sale, or a certain scripture that I feel led to share that touches someones heart, or even this blog. I don't feel like I am a good writer, at all, but every so often I will have these reoccouring thoughts that I just feel I need to share. I know that it is the Spirit leading me and causing me to grow, so I try to share it with others in hopes that they may be blessed by it. I say all of this to say that I, in no way, have any talent. God is gracious and any good that comes from me is not of me, but of him.
So on with his sovereignty. Last night when Brian and I were talking, I was telling him that I just couldn't understand how someone wouldn't be thankful to serve a sovereign God. When I read what scripture says about man vs. what scripture says about God, it makes me scared to think what would happen if God weren't sovereign.

The bible on man:

1. Jeremiah 17:9 says "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?
2. Romans 8:6-7 "For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot."
3. Isaiah 64:6 "We have all become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment. We all fade like a leaf, and our iniquities, like the wind, take us away."
4. Genesis 6:5 "The Lord saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every intention of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually."
5. Proverbs 14:12 "There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death."
6. Romans 3:10-18 “None is righteous, no, not one; no one understands; no one seeks for God. All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one. Their throat is an open grave; they use their tongues to deceive. The venom of asps is under their lips. Their mouth is full of curses and bitterness. Their feet are swift to shed blood; in their paths are ruin and misery, and the way of peace they have not known. There is no fear of God before their eyes.”

The bible on Gods sovereignty:

1. Ephesians 1:11-12 "In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory."
2. Job 42:2 "I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted."
3. Psalm 103:19 "The Lord has established his throne in the heavens, and his kingdom rules over all."
4. Matthew 5:45 "For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust."
5. Galatians 1:15 "But when he who had set me apart before I was born, and who called me by his grace..."
6. Deuteronomy 8:18 "You shall remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you power to get wealth, that he may confirm his covenant that he swore to your fathers, as it is this day."
7. Proverbs 16:9 "The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps."

What I've learned is that my heart is deceitfully wicked. There is no way I could choose to love God without his grace and mercy resting upon me. In fact, without his grace and mercy, I wouldn't even be able to SEE how wicked the desires of my heart are. My path would be right in my own eyes (and it was), and it would lead me to death, straight to hell. Oh praise God for opening my eyes and showing me my sin. Praise God for breaking through my heart of stone and giving me a heart of flesh. Praise God for causing me to walk in his ways, and never leaving or forsaking me. Praise God for sending his Son, Jesus Christ, to bear the penalty for sin that I could never bear the weight of. I am so thankful to serve an all powerful God who is sovereign over all of his creation.

"Oh praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead!"

I am

In John 8:58, Jesus says to the Jews questioning him, "Truly, truly I say to you, before Abraham was, I am." I may have never known the meaning of this statement, the depth of Jesus' words, without the guidance of my pastor. Jesus was making a bold statement of his deity here. I AM was the covenant name of GOD used by the Israelites in Exodus 3:14. Right now my pastor is preaching through the book of John, and I feel like I am learning so much about the nature of Jesus. For the past month or so, the words "I AM" have come to mind on a regular basis. Jesus says he is many things in the bible. A few examples are: I am the living bread; from above; the light of the world; the door; the good Shepherd; the Son of God; the resurrection and the life; the way, the truth, and the life; the true vine. As I have gone through the tragedy of having a miscarriage, I have found an unexplainable peace in the truth of Gods word. Nothing happens apart from the will of God, nothing takes him by surprise. Jesus is the good Shepard, who cares for his flock. John 10:27-29 says "My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me,  is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's hand." I am in the hand of Jesus Christ, and he loves me. There is NOTHING that can snatch me from his hand, and there is no safer place for me to be. I find great comfort in this truth. I go through nothing alone, Jesus is always holding me. Jesus has ALWAYS ruled sovereignly over the earth, and always will. Without knowing Christ, I'm not sure how I could have dealt with this tragedy. I'm sure I would be in a poor, poor pitiful me mood for who knows how long, questioning why things didn't go my way and why God would do this to me. I haven't felt that way at all, from the first sign of a problem I knew that no matter the outcome, God was in control, and had a perfect plan. God would use this for my good, and his glory, and I can already see the he has. Just a few words that come to mind when I think of who Jesus is are creator, Lord, ruler, and Savior. He is the alpha and omega, the beginning and the end, the lamb who was slain before the foundation of the earth was laid, Jesus is the great I am!