Christmas 2010

This Christmas was possibly the best Christmas I've ever had. Everything didn't go right; I got way too stressed out trying to "get it all done" before the festivities began; I missed my family Christmas party because it was on a Sunday, and we couldn't make it after church; there are still broken family relationships that we mourn, especially around the holidays. But despite all of that, this Christmas was the best.
We decided this year that we would complete all of our Christmas festivities before Christmas day, so that Christmas day would be just ours. We would have no plans, nowhere to be, nothing to do. And that is just what we did!
Christmas Eve we had a small gathering with our family (yes, Chrissy, that includes you!). We had yummy food, presents, and afterward some of us went to the Christmas Eve service at church. It was great, a very special time for me. Afterwards, we had dinner with some great friends, and that time was very special to me as well.
On to Christmas day! We had stayed out late Christmas Eve, so we all slept in Christmas Day. When we finally got up, Brian made breakfast and we all ate. Then we went and read our bible as a family for a little bit, then we opened presents. We stayed in our pajamas ALL day, ate leftovers and easy stuff, and just did nothing. If we celebrated a Sabbath day, I imagine it would be much like our Christmas day.
As we grow in Christ, I believe the way we celebrate his birth will grow as well. This year was better than last, and I pray that our lives would glorify God more and more, and that he would use us for His purpose. Praying that 2011 brings much growth in our lives, and all glory to God, for only He is worthy!

Beautiful gift

A few weeks ago, I received a very special gift. After I had the miscarriage, a lady I used to work with found out about it, and shared it with the ladies she goes to church with. At Eagle Heights Fellowship, they have a prayer quilt ministry, and they kindly made me a quilt to remember the baby. There were so many emotions attached to receiving this gift, I regret not documenting it all sooner. For one, I am just in awe of how God works through his children, using them to bring peace, love and kindness to ones who are in need. These ladies, who don't even know me, took time to pray for me, and sew a quilt for me. In the quilt there are pieces of yarn tied in knots. Each knot represents a special prayer said just for me. When I first got the blanket, it just reminded me of how we are united by Christ. Believers all over the world, although we may not know one another, are all brothers and sisters. This is a picture of that, believers serving a sister in need. The blanket is beautiful, and you can see all the love put into every stitch. I am very grateful for the ladies, and pray that God continues to bless their ministry. I will forever treasure this gift they have given me. To God be the glory!

2 years old already?!

My baby boy just turned 2! The time seems to have flown by, it seems like just yesterday he was my teeny tiny baby. I'm a little late on documenting this, along with other things, but I'm trying to catch up!
Here are some things he enjoys, and things he has learned:
He is a very smart little boy, and he likes to learn. When I do school work with sister, he always wants to sit and color or do flash cards. He knows most of his colors, and is getting better at pronouncing them.
Naked, Thank you, and napkin all sound like the same exact word.
He is VERY into trucks and trains, and he likes to lay on the floor and play with them.
He loves for me to sing "Rock a bye baby" to him, and rock him back and forth on my lap. He will come up to me and say "Rock a baby, Mama" It is the cutest thing.
His favorite song to sing is "Jesus loves me". He calls it "Jesus lala bable", or something that sounds about like that. ;)
Nearly everyday, he will go get my phone, bring it to me and say "Dada", wanting to call and talk to his Dad at work.
He calls Kaylee "Lelee", and Mia "Meme"
He has a shoe fetish. He will get stuck on one pair of shoes, and want to wear it all day...even to bed.
He has gotten very used to going to eat lunch with Dad, so when we leave during the day he says "Dada's work, lunch?". If we don't leave, he will sometimes ask to go eat lunch with him.
He loves the camera, and is very photogenic.
There are so many more, but in an effort to get everything done, I'm gonna stop there.

On Saturday, the 11th, we celebrated his birthday with a party that included family and close friends. There were lots of kids, and I think they really enjoyed playing. Caden, a little boy we go to church with, asked Bubba, "Can I come back to your house and play sometime?". I'm not sure if Bubba really knew what he was asking, but he said "yes" and Caden was SO excited. I thought it was very cute. He got to pick his own cake, and he picked Thomas the Train. We ate, opened presents, and talked as the kids played. He got a few outfits, a buzz lightyear costume, 2 pair of shoes, some pajamas, a tricycle, and a lot of toys.
I'm very thankful for everyone who came to celebrate with us. We are very blessed with such an awesome circle of close friends.
*Lord, thank you for blessing me with a wonderful son 2 years ago. He has brightened my days, and watching him grow has been such an honor and joy. I pray that he grows into a man who fears and loves the Lord above all else, and that we are diligent to teach him your ways. Save him, Lord, that he may walk in your ways and bring glory to your name all the days of his life. Amen*

A mom? Or a wife?

Awhile back, I was reading a book that asked the question "Do you feel more like a wife or a mom?". I have been thinking a lot about this question, and sadly, most days I feel more like a mom. Most of my day, it seems, is spent serving my children. This mindset is very wrong. My children were never supposed to take importance over my husband. I should value my role as a wife over my role as a mom. I have a one flesh relationship with my husband, one that will never be broken. My children are only entrusted to me for awhile. Chances are that they will grow up, get married, and have the same relationship with their spouse. I came up with a few thoughts going over this in my head.

• First, I have to serve my children. They NEED me. My husband can take care of himself, but my children, they need me to take care of them. But the thing is, I was designed to be my husbands helpmate. The main purpose of my marriage is to glorify God. Marriage is a picture of Christ and his Church. The Church submits itself to Christ, existing to serve him. In the same manner, I exist to serve Christ first, but my husband second. One way I serve Christ by serving my husband. One of the ways I serve my husband is by caring for our children while he is away at work.
• Second, I am selfish. Most days, I feel as though my work has gone unnoticed. My husband doesn't know all the work that goes into keeping things running the way they do. How would he? But when he comes home and fails to notice the work I've done, it bothers me. This is because I am selfish, and seek my own glory. Sometimes I feel as though I have been given an unfair amount of work. The job of a mom never ends, there are no breaks, no sick days, no vacation. It is a 24/7 commitment. I often seek the glory of this work that I do, wanting my husband to notice it. Don't get me wrong, he is grateful, and does tell me often that he appreciates me, but sometimes he doesn't notice details. It is times like this that I have to remind myself that the work I do is for God, and his glory alone. I love to serve my husband, but if I'm doing it because I want him to love me more or appreciate me more, I'm not doing it for the right reasons. I must serve him, first and foremost, for Gods glory. This work was given to me by God, and I should serve him with a glad heart.
• Third, somewhere I've lost the importance of my role as a wife. It has become so intermingled in my role as a mom that sometimes I fail to recognize the difference. My husband and I rarely go on date nights, and rarely take time for just us. This is a bad thing, one that we seek to fix. We have been making more of an effort to spend time reading together and talking after the kids go to bed. We are going to strive to go on a date night at least once a month. It is very important to spend this time together to enrich your marriage.

I've made some changes to my daily routine, in order to keep my priorities straight, and find more joy in my work. One thing I have done is create a cleaning schedule for myself. I know, this may sound cheesy, but it is working for me! Sometimes I just get lazy and don't want to do anything. I get into this mood where everything can wait until tomorrow. Then, all of a sudden, we are going to have people over and my house is a mess, and I have to work extra hard to get it in order again. I have found that if I do at least one part of cleaning everyday, my house should be presentable. For example, today was dusting. I went through the whole house and dusted everything. This has given my day a little more direction. It is beneficially not only because my house will be clean, but it also helps me to schedule my day better. I have a goal of spending time reading my bible and praying everyday without fail, and this helps me to be able to do that. I have also found that if I spend my time wisely, cleaning my house, and reading and praying, I have much less time for the Internet. I was given a copy of Tyranny of the Urgent by Charles E. Hummel, and found it to be really helpful! How often we leave important work for another day, and spend our time doing "urgent" things. I've got lots of work to do correcting this behavior. Of course, it isn't me doing the work, but God doing the work in me. Nonetheless, I'll have much less time to spend sharing my life with the blog world. Keep my in your prayers as God continues to sanctify me.

The dentist...

It has been a few weeks since I blogged last. I have been trying to manage my time better, and blogging just hasn't made the cut. I'm going to try to update this thing soon...maybe. I just wanted to take the time to write about my daughters first trip to the dentist! She is extremely shy, and scared of pretty much anyone she doesn't know, so I thought a trip to the dentist would be horrible for us both. She is 4, and I've put it off for 2 years now because I didn't think either of us was ready. She proved me wrong today, big time. She was such a big girl! As I sat and watched her be brave, I was secretly holding back tears. She has grown up so much lately, and moments like that make me realize that time passes too quickly. The office was really neat, VERY kid friendly. She had a woman hygienist, which was awesome.
First they did her x-rays.

Then they got her ready to clean her teeth. She had to wear sunglasses because of the bright light they use. This part I was really nervous about. This was most definitely out of her comfort zone, but she did so great. This is when I was fighting back tears.

After all of that, the dentist came in. It was a man. Kaylee froze as soon as he walked in. He wanted her to lay down again so he could check her teeth out. I was on one side holding her hand, and the hygienist was holding the other hand. I could see tears starting to well up in her eyes behind the big purple glasses, but she fought them back. After a minute, she finally opened her mouth for him. He wanted her to bite down, but she wasn't going for that. He said her teeth look great, and her x-rays were good. No cavities!!

After that ordeal, we decided to go eat lunch with Brian. She told her Daddy that she was scared of the dentist because he looked like a bear! Holding back laughter, I asked her why she thought that, and she informed me that it was because he had facial hair, just like bears do! Apparently, that is scary to her! (Note to all of you men who try to get on her good side: Try shaving. lol) Of course, I think it is more than that, but that's the reason she gave for being so scared. She also told him that when they did the x-rays, it hurt, and she wanted to cry a little bit. But, she didn't, because she is a big girl! The dentist gave her a tooth brush, flosser, some toothpaste, and told her to come back in 6 months! We survived it!! 

P.S. I'd like to add that her pants are at least an inch or two too short. I tried to get her to change them before we left the house, but she wanted to wear them. Needless to say, they WILL disappear after I wash them next. ;)

I've got to start sleeping better...

I have never really slept well at night. For as long as I can remember, it has taken me forever to actually fall asleep, and I wake up randomly through out the night. This happens almost every night. I guess sometimes my body decides enough is enough, and I fall into a deep sleep. Weird things always happen when I actually sleep well. I either have bad dreams, or talk in my sleep (crazy talk) or sometimes I actually do things that seem normal to me, but I'm actually still dreaming. Once, I had a dream that Kaylee got up and came to our room (which was impossible because she had a baby gate up) so in my dream I panicked at the thought that she might leave our room and fall down the stairs. I got up and closed the door, and went back to sleep, no big deal. When Brian got up to leave for work, it was so dark in the room that he couldn't see I closed the door and he ran into it! I'll admit, I found humor in that one. ;)  Also, a few nights ago, Bubba woke up crying (again) and I asked Brian if he gave the younger kids their medicine. He is half asleep too, so he just keeps asking me "what??". Finally I say "NEVER MIND! I'll just do it myself!" and got up and went to Bubba's room. While checking on Bubba, I guess I fully woke up and realized I had absolutely NO clue what I was saying?!
I say all of that to tell this story...
I haven't had much sleep since Wed. because both kids are sick and running high fevers. Last night Bubba was fine, and fever free, but Kaylee still had a fever. We went to bed between 11 and 12, not sure exactly what time because I crashed out as Brian was reading. (Sorry babe!) Sometime after that, Kaylee started coughing, but it was a bad cough. It sounded like she was gasping for air or couldn't breathe or something. I'm not sure if it really sounded that bad, or if I just panicked at the thought of something being wrong. I jumped up in my bed (literally, I was standing on my bed) and ran over Brian, jumped down and ran in Kaylee's room. This completely freaked Brian out. I think it freaked Kaylee out a little, too. She said she was fine, and just needed to cough. So fine, all is well, and Mom just had a crazy, half asleep moment again. Only, I as I'm walking back to my room, I notice my leg hurts...bad. I look down and I have a huge knot and already starting to form bruise on my leg. I have NO idea how that happened! It even hurts to walk on it today. It goes all the way across my calf (Yeah, I know, that isn't very far lol) and I'm thinking it might take awhile to go away. Maybe the fact that I never sleep well at night is actually my body's way of preventing accidents like these! The kids seem to be getting better, so I'm hoping that means more restful nights for us all! I could sure use it!

A little bit of crazy

The past couple of days have been crazy around the Carney house. Late Wednesday night my son started running a high fever (102.9), and it has come back every 3-4 hours without fail. The highest it has gotten was 103.8 today. I took the kids to the Dr on Friday and she said Bubba has a throat infection and thrush. She peeked at Kaylee's throat, but said it looked fine. While waiting on medicine at Walgreens, Kaylee's fever set in, so I had to call the Dr back and get her medicine too. I haven't slept for more than an hour or two at a time since Wednesday night. I am so super concerned about these crazy high fevers that the doctor probably thinks I'm a crazy lady for calling so much. Both kids are on antibiotics, and I'm really hoping they start to kick in soon. I feel so helpless with them being so sick, I wish I could take it away for them. They seemed to be doing good this morning, playing and fever free, so I decided to have a lunch date with my bestie. As soon as we sat down in the restaurant, both kids started looking bad again. Bubba even fell asleep in my lap! That pretty much never happens! We hurried and ate, and I came home and took their temperatures. Kaylee was up to 103 and Bubba was 103.8. I gave them more medicine and we vegged out on the couch and watched a movie.
Today was the first time Kaylee cried during a movie! We were watching Chestnut, and there is a really sad part in the movie. I was a little teary eyed myself. Brian came home during that part, so I put it on pause. We looked over and realized Kaylee was crying. I asked her what was wrong, and she tried to play it off by saying "My eyes are watering! I don't know why my eyes are watering! I need to go potty!" LOL, I couldn't hold my laughter in. Then I had to explain to her that I wasn't laughing at her crying, I was laughing at her trying to hide her crying. That girl is so sweet and brings such big smiles to my face!
So, tomorrow we will be missing church to make sure the kids feel better. Pray for us that we maintain the strength and sanity to nurse our kids back to health, and that they will get better soon!

Entertainment

A few months ago, we got rid of our cable. We didn't watch TV much, and it just seemed like a waste of money. With no TV, I found myself on the computer even more. I'd chat with friends that I don't normally get to talk to, or just waste time away being nosey on facebook. I became very convicted of the poor way that I spend my time. Every quiet moment I got, rather than pray or read my bible, I would log in and "catch up". It seems so easy for our culture to abuse entertainment. Many christian families spend more time on facebook, myspace, video games or TV than meditating on the word of God. I am very convicted about the example this sets for my children. They have been entrusted to me, and it is my responsibility to train them in godliness. I often evaluate myself by looking through my children's eyes. What do they see me doing? We all know that actions speak louder than words, so what is it that I'm showing them. By just my actions, who would they think my god is? I haven't really been on the computer much at all the past few days, and it has been a real eye opener. I pray that I would use my time to glorify God rather than satisfy my flesh. I long to teach my children, by example, how to be a good steward of the precious time God has given them. I'm thankful for a God who loves me, forgives me, and sanctifies me. I'm thankful for a savior who would bear my sin, and die a death on the cross that I deserve, so that I no longer live as a slave to sin. In Gods great mercy, he chose me, when I am so unworthy. I pray that my life reflects the grace God has shown me, and that I always bring glory to his name. I encourage all of my christian brothers and sisters to take a few days (2 or more) off from all entertainment (computer, TV, video games) and see how dependent you have become on these things.

2 months

Today happens to be 2 months since we lost the baby. During my follow up visit with the dr, I told him that I really wanted a copy of the ultrasound pictures. He didn't think it was possible, but he was able to get me a disk. That actually works better for me, because I can put it away with the cards and things that I kept, and not have to worry about them getting messed up. I picked up the disk earlier this week, and found this picture where they measured the age that the baby had stopped growing. I was 15 weeks, however, the baby measured only 11 weeks and 1 day. In so many ways, my life has been a whirlwind these past few months. I've been forced to deal with things personally that have been locked away for so long. I've been trying to keep up with all of the work being a stay at home mom brings me, and still find time to grieve over this child. Sometimes it is a struggle for me to comprehend that I won't be holding this baby, nursing this baby, or raising this baby. By now, I would be nice and round, with a very active baby growing inside of me. But that wasn't God's plan, and I know his is far greater than mine could ever be. This experience has been a great eye opener for me in many ways. It has brought a greater understanding to me that my children have been entrusted to me, but ultimately, they belong to God. I will cherish every day he has given me with these children, because I know it is truly a gift and a blessing. It has also made me far more sensitive to my sisters who have experienced this as well, and also the ones who haven't been blessed with children. It has made me more aware, and made me see the need to teach my daughter that even though we want a baby, it may not be in Gods will. He may have a different plan for us, a better plan, and we should trust his plan. I do know that in this situation, I can see growth in many areas of my life. He has caused me to trust him, and depend on him more and more each day. I am thankful for this growth, and for this dependence on my Savior. I pray that as I deal with life, that Christ will always remain my focus, and my strength, and that in all I do, it would be for the glory of His name.

Being frugal

Since becoming a stay at home Mom, I have found many ways to save money. I desire to be a good steward of our money, and I am always searching out new ways to save money. Recently, I was on the Duggar website and came across a recipe to make your own laundry detergent. I do a lot of laundry, and thought that this could be really benificial to us. I told some friends about the idea, and they wanted to know how it worked out. We made our first batch last night, and it was fairly simply. I'd say the most work was in grating up the bar of soap. I read some things online that said you could leave the bar of soap in hot water overnight, and that it would dissolve. I think I'll try that next time. I just did my first load of laundry with it, and I am pleased! I bought some oil to fragrance it with, but I was kind of scared to put it in. Some information said it was safe, some said it could leave oil spots on your clothes. I decided not to chance it. I wouldn't be saving much money if I ruined a load of clothes and had to buy more, would I? They also have a money saving idea for fabric softener, so I think I'll try that. I figure that should scent the clothes plenty. I didn't use fabric softener with this load, but found that because of the scent of the bar of soap, my clothes still have a clean scent. Even though I've only begun to use this soap, I am really excited about the money that it will save! Plus, it makes 10 gallons of detergent, so I won't be needing to buy any for a while. We spent about $20 bucks total. $5 was on buying a 5-gallon bucket and a funnel. The washing soda I had to buy online, and it was about $8 (it is supposed to be available in some stores for around $2, but I wasn't able to find it around here.) I bought the borax from Target for only $3, and the zote from the dollar store for $1. We still have a lot of washing soda, and borax, so the next couple of batches I make I will only need to spend $1 on the Zote bars of soap. All in all, I think it is a pretty great deal!
Here is the recipe:
4 Cups - hot tap water
1 Fels-Naptha soap bar
1 Cup - Arm & Hammer Super Washing Soda
½ Cup Borax
- Grate bar of soap and add to saucepan with water. Stir continually over medium-low heat until soap dissolves and is melted.
-Fill a 5 gallon bucket half full of hot tap water. Add melted soap, washing soda and Borax. Stir well until all powder is dissolved. Fill bucket to top with more hot water. Stir, cover and let sit overnight to thicken.
-Stir and fill a used, clean, laundry soap dispenser half full with soap and then fill rest of way with water. Shake before each use. (will gel)
-Optional: You can add 10-15 drops of essential oil per 2 gallons. Add once soap has cooled. Ideas: lavender, rosemary, tea tree oil.
-Yield: Liquid soap recipe makes 10 gallons.
-Top Load Machine- 5/8 Cup per load (Approx. 180 loads)
-Front Load Machines- ¼ Cup per load (Approx. 640 loads)

Weakness

Over the past few weeks, I've had many sleepless nights where I lay awake and my mind goes crazy with thoughts. Mostly things of my past, things I've never really dealt with. I've been struggling as I attempt to work through these things through counseling. For many years, I've hid everything away and boxed it up tight, so I never have to actually feel the emotions. These emotions only come up around holidays, when I see or speak of these people, or in the quiet of night when I wonder if they think of me as often as I think of them. Without getting into great detail, the broken relationships have a great effect on my children and I, and I hurt for my children. Last night, in a moment of weakness, I wondered "Why me, God? This isn't fair". Quickly, I reminded myself that it isn't about me, that it is all for God's glory. That God can and will use this situation to mold me into the image of his Son, Jesus Christ. That as a believer, God works all things for my ultimate good. These are all things I know, so how could I doubt? As I sat and cried over everything I don't have, it made me all the more sad that I am wasting precious time focusing on things shouldn't be of top priority. Rather than meditating on scripture, I'm meditating on the past that I can't change. I feel like such a failure sometimes. Then, this scripture comes to mind, "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Cor. 12:9-10) I praise God that he saved me, of no doing of my own. I praise God for the gospel that I hope in, and the moments that he brings me to my knees, causing me to sit at the foot of the cross and rest in his grace. It is when I am brought low that I feel the most growth, that I increase in faith and dependence, and that I hold tightest to Gods promises and sovereignty. I pray that as I work through my past, I will grow increasingly dependent on him, and that he will continue to sanctify me.

Oh how they grow

Lately my children have been growing quickly before my eyes. I'm so thankful to be with them all day, everyday, and get to see all the new things they do. My daughter is starting to look so much more "grown up". She is maturing very quickly. We are doing preschool "school work", and she does so well! She LOVES to do school work, and picks things up pretty quickly. I'm hoping she stays this way, then homeschooling won't be so hard! (With her at least lol) She is learning to sound out words, and spell things. Her writing is getting very good. I am constantly amazed at just how much she understands and remembers. My son will be 2 in December, and he is doing so many new things here lately. We have been potty training, and I think it is going well. I have him in underwear all the time, except when we go in public, and he will now tell me when he needs to go potty. He has also learned how to take his underwear off and put them back on by himself. He is developing quite the vocabulary, and has a language all his own. ;) He is a very sweet Mommas boy who already knows how to melt my heart. He LOVES his big sister, and loves to do whatever it is she is doing, even if she doesn't want him to. When Brian comes home from work, he stops whatever he is doing, jumps up and runs to the door to hug Daddy.
Being a Mom is such a blessing to me. Most days, I'm overworked, exhausted, and probably half crazy, but I wouldn't change it one bit. While I'm sad that my babies aren't really babies anymore, I am loving watching them grow, and being able to teach them.

Contentment

I have been struggling this week with being content. We learn in scripture that there is great gain in godliness with contentment (1 Timothy 6:6), and that we should be content in whatever situation we are in (Philippians 4:11). Hebrews 13:5 says "Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” I've struggled with this off and on, but have really had a hard time this week. We have always been taken care of, and I would say that it is even in abundance. When I consider what they have in other countries, I live like a queen. I have the ability to stay home and raise my children, which seems to be a luxury these days. I've got a roof over my head, 2 paid for vehicles, and eat good food every night. I'd say I have it really great. But somehow, my flesh says it isn't enough. I want more. I want to shop for things I don't really need. My treasure is to be in heaven, not on this earth. As I fight this desire for more earthly gain, I rest in the arms of my dear Savior who promised to carry me through to perfection. I'm thankful for time like these, because they are constant reminders that I am a great sinner in need of a Savior, and I find just that at the foot of the cross. I was dead in my trespasses, but I was made alive in Christ, and called to walk in newness of life with him. I no longer excuse, or ignore this sin in my life, but I repent and seek Christ.
"Two things I ask of you;
deny them not to me before I die:
Remove far from me falsehood and lying;
give me neither poverty nor riches;
feed me with the food that is needful for me,
lest I be full and deny you
and say, “Who is the Lord?”
or lest I be poor and steal
and profane the name of my God." -Proverbs 30:7-9
 
Lord, I pray that you would continue to convict me of this sin in my life, and that I would be faithful to repent and turn to you. Make me desire what you desire, and love what you love. Help me to truly believe that my treasure is not on this earth, but in the presence of Jesus Christ. Use me, Lord, to glorify your name. Amen.

How to help

Tomorrow will be one month since I lost my baby. Sometimes it is still difficult, and I long to be pregnant. We have decided that we will try again next year. Many questions have entered my mind about how we will do things next time. Will we wait to tell everybody, or will we share the great news right away? Will we give the new baby (Lord willing) the names we picked out this pregnancy, or will we come up with new ones? There are a million things that can run through your mind when something like this happens, but at the end of the day my child's life was never in my control. So no, as of my plans right now, I will not wait to tell people if we are pregnant again. I lost my baby at 15 weeks, which is beyond the 12 weeks they suggest you wait. The main reason is because a pregnancy is a joyous occasion. It is such an overwhelming amount of joy that God given you this child, and I just don't know how I could not want to share that. If I have another miscarriage, it was in Gods will whether people knew about the pregnancy or not. If I have another miscarriage, like this one, I won't grieve alone. People will share in joy with me, and if need be, they will share in mourning. A friend of mine shared a blog with me that talked about what you should/shouldn't say and do when a friend has had a miscarriage. It was a wonderful blog, and everything was so true! She suggested I write a blog about what I found helpful during my miscarriage. So here goes.

We were blessed with many kind acts, a beautiful surrounding of people who were praying for us along the way. This is the first thing you should do for someone you know who has suffered a miscarriage, pray for them. I know that a lot of people were praying for us, and I may not know each one by name, but I appreciate every prayer.

Make them food. This was a huge help for me. My Mom and Mother in law were kind enough to make meals for me and my family. Other people offered, but we had plenty already.

My Mom also watched the kids for me the first night. That was very helpful since I was still in pain, physically and emotionally. It gave me and my husband time to be alone to grieve, and go to follow up appointments that were needed.

A few people sent us flowers. It kind of shocked me, but it meant the world to me. We also got some cards, and they all were so sweet. I kept every one of them. It was all a reminder that we were not alone.

If you want to comfort someone and don't know what to say, just hug them. Just tell them you love them, and you are praying for them. No amount of words you say will ease the pain they are feeling, but it is comforting to know people love you.

Many women reached out and told me the story of their miscarriage. The other blog was against doing this, but I found it helpful. Of course it made me sad that so many people had felt what I was feeling, but I also knew that these were people who would be able to understand things from a different perspective.

Don't tell them "you are young and healthy, you can have another baby". It doesn't matter if it is true, it is the last thing they want to hear. Yes, they can have another baby, but that will never bring back the baby they lost. Can you imagine telling a new widow "Don't worry, you can remarry"?

Don't forget Daddy. He felt the loss too, it was his child too. Now he is not only grieving the loss of his child, but helping his wife through her healing process. I give a lot of credit to my husband for completely picking up my slack, and being so understanding of my grieving. I'm also thankful for the support system he had to help him through this. Dads need support and love too.

Don't tiptoe around things as though they didn't happen. This was a biggie for me. The doctor, the ultrasound tech, neither of them would directly address my questions with the truth. I wanted to see my baby, and I wasn't allowed to. When the doctor removed the baby from my cervix and I asked if that was the baby, he called it tissue. If it was a baby before you removed it, it is still a baby. It may not resemble a baby, but that is what it was. It doesn't make me feel better to have you speak of my child as though he/she never existed. Don't keep your babies away from me. I know this is a touchy one for some people, but as for me, I love your babies. It doesn't make me sad to know that you have a healthy baby and I don't, it makes me happy that you have a healthy baby that I get the joy of knowing.

Don't, for any reason whatsoever, try to understand what was wrong that made my baby pass away. Don't tell me that I should do this or that different next time. Don't suggest it was something I did, or ate, or whatever that caused this to happen. GOD is in control. HE controls life and death, not me. There is nothing I could have done to save my baby, because my baby's life was always in the hands of a powerful God who works all things according to the counsel of his will.

Be patient with them. They may grieve in a way that you cannot understand. They may want to be alone, they may want to be around a group of people, they may want to keep everything private and not tell anyone, or they may feel the desire to talk about it. Let them grieve, and be there for them however they need you to. If that means you don't "do" anything at all, then that is what is helpful to them. You are serving them in their time of need, however they need it, and they will remember that.

In saying all of that, I would like to say thank you for everything you did. Whether it be praying for us, sending cards, watching our children, making us food, saying kind words and hugging us, or just being silent, and allowing us time to grieve, whatever you did, thank you.

The way things change

I haven't blogged in awhile, so I thought I would write about some random thoughts that you probably couldn't care less about. ;)
Last Friday, my husband and I celebrated our 5 yr anniversary. 5 years ago, on August 27th, we "tied the knot". I spend a lot of time reflecting on where we have been, and where we are now. My husband and I were two completely different people back then. 5 years ago, we were just two youngsters in love, working for the "American dream". Brian worked 2 jobs, and I worked one. We rarely went anywhere and did anything (mostly because Brian worked 2 jobs) and we loved spending all of our time together. We spent a LOT of time with my sister and my nephew. He was in many ways like a child to me. At least that is how I always looked at him and treated him. Brian and I had plans of what we wanted, and how we would get what we wanted. Sadly enough, God was never part of our plans. We got pregnant right away, bought a new car, and a new house. Brian quit one of his jobs, and I still worked. Life happened, and bonds that were once so tight with other people seemed to loosen, some are even non-existent now. We got pregnant again, and I finally stopped working. The greatest event, however, was my husband and I both being saved. This has been the biggest change, greatly effecting every other aspect of our lives. We are truly no longer who we used to be, who we started off as, and I am so very thankful for that. In Philippians it says "Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead..."  How true that is! Everything that was so important to me before is rubbish, unimportant, and pales in comparison to knowing my Savior! Entertainment that I used to enjoy now disgusts me and saddens me that I once was so eager to profane the name of my God. Things that I never understood, God has opened my eyes and made me see. My life is no longer mine (not that it ever was). I was bought with a price, ransomed, and my sole purpose in life is to glorify God and build his kingdom. There is always so much drama surrounding my life, things that are beyond my control. Sometimes it seems hard to deal with everything and everyone, trying to make everyone happy is impossible. Then I remember my purpose in this life, and I remember the promises of what lies ahead. These things are but a moment compared to the eternity I will spend with my dear Savior. As God continues to convict me of my sin and give me a heart of repentance, as God continues to sanctify me, I am ever thankful. He alone is worthy of all of the glory, he alone is worthy of my every praise. I thank God for the work that he has done in my husband and I. Even though we had no desire for him, he always loved us, and held us together. I know that without him, there is no way we could have withstood all of the storms we have faced together. I pray that he continues to use us, sanctify us, and that we would glorify him through our marriage and our lives.

Gods sovereign reign

Lately I've been thining about God and his sovereignty. Really, for a few months now, God has really been growing me in this area. I have been seeing Gods sovereignty in the smallest and largest areas of my life, like going to the grocery store and the things we need being on sale, or a certain scripture that I feel led to share that touches someones heart, or even this blog. I don't feel like I am a good writer, at all, but every so often I will have these reoccouring thoughts that I just feel I need to share. I know that it is the Spirit leading me and causing me to grow, so I try to share it with others in hopes that they may be blessed by it. I say all of this to say that I, in no way, have any talent. God is gracious and any good that comes from me is not of me, but of him.
So on with his sovereignty. Last night when Brian and I were talking, I was telling him that I just couldn't understand how someone wouldn't be thankful to serve a sovereign God. When I read what scripture says about man vs. what scripture says about God, it makes me scared to think what would happen if God weren't sovereign.

The bible on man:

1. Jeremiah 17:9 says "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?
2. Romans 8:6-7 "For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot."
3. Isaiah 64:6 "We have all become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment. We all fade like a leaf, and our iniquities, like the wind, take us away."
4. Genesis 6:5 "The Lord saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every intention of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually."
5. Proverbs 14:12 "There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death."
6. Romans 3:10-18 “None is righteous, no, not one; no one understands; no one seeks for God. All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one. Their throat is an open grave; they use their tongues to deceive. The venom of asps is under their lips. Their mouth is full of curses and bitterness. Their feet are swift to shed blood; in their paths are ruin and misery, and the way of peace they have not known. There is no fear of God before their eyes.”

The bible on Gods sovereignty:

1. Ephesians 1:11-12 "In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory."
2. Job 42:2 "I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted."
3. Psalm 103:19 "The Lord has established his throne in the heavens, and his kingdom rules over all."
4. Matthew 5:45 "For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust."
5. Galatians 1:15 "But when he who had set me apart before I was born, and who called me by his grace..."
6. Deuteronomy 8:18 "You shall remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you power to get wealth, that he may confirm his covenant that he swore to your fathers, as it is this day."
7. Proverbs 16:9 "The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps."

What I've learned is that my heart is deceitfully wicked. There is no way I could choose to love God without his grace and mercy resting upon me. In fact, without his grace and mercy, I wouldn't even be able to SEE how wicked the desires of my heart are. My path would be right in my own eyes (and it was), and it would lead me to death, straight to hell. Oh praise God for opening my eyes and showing me my sin. Praise God for breaking through my heart of stone and giving me a heart of flesh. Praise God for causing me to walk in his ways, and never leaving or forsaking me. Praise God for sending his Son, Jesus Christ, to bear the penalty for sin that I could never bear the weight of. I am so thankful to serve an all powerful God who is sovereign over all of his creation.

"Oh praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead!"

I am

In John 8:58, Jesus says to the Jews questioning him, "Truly, truly I say to you, before Abraham was, I am." I may have never known the meaning of this statement, the depth of Jesus' words, without the guidance of my pastor. Jesus was making a bold statement of his deity here. I AM was the covenant name of GOD used by the Israelites in Exodus 3:14. Right now my pastor is preaching through the book of John, and I feel like I am learning so much about the nature of Jesus. For the past month or so, the words "I AM" have come to mind on a regular basis. Jesus says he is many things in the bible. A few examples are: I am the living bread; from above; the light of the world; the door; the good Shepherd; the Son of God; the resurrection and the life; the way, the truth, and the life; the true vine. As I have gone through the tragedy of having a miscarriage, I have found an unexplainable peace in the truth of Gods word. Nothing happens apart from the will of God, nothing takes him by surprise. Jesus is the good Shepard, who cares for his flock. John 10:27-29 says "My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me,  is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's hand." I am in the hand of Jesus Christ, and he loves me. There is NOTHING that can snatch me from his hand, and there is no safer place for me to be. I find great comfort in this truth. I go through nothing alone, Jesus is always holding me. Jesus has ALWAYS ruled sovereignly over the earth, and always will. Without knowing Christ, I'm not sure how I could have dealt with this tragedy. I'm sure I would be in a poor, poor pitiful me mood for who knows how long, questioning why things didn't go my way and why God would do this to me. I haven't felt that way at all, from the first sign of a problem I knew that no matter the outcome, God was in control, and had a perfect plan. God would use this for my good, and his glory, and I can already see the he has. Just a few words that come to mind when I think of who Jesus is are creator, Lord, ruler, and Savior. He is the alpha and omega, the beginning and the end, the lamb who was slain before the foundation of the earth was laid, Jesus is the great I am!

The power of words

Words can have a great effect on people, both in a good way, and bad. I have experienced a wide spectrum of words in the past week. Words that have caused me to feel anxiety, fear, devastation, pain, anger, resentment, love, joy, appreciation. These are just a tip of the emotions I have felt over this past week. I'm reminded all the more of the power of words, both my words to others, and their words to me. I want to guard my tongue, and be aware of my words before I speak. I know I cannot do this alone, in James 3:7-8 it says "For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue." I am capable of no good on my own, so I rely fully on God to continually change my heart and mold me into the image of his Son, Jesus Christ, and to lead me with his Spirit. One way he does this is by the reading of his words, so lets see what the bible has to say about words.

1. Prov 12:18- There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
2. Matt 15:18- But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person.
3. Matt 12:34-37 You brood of vipers! How can you speak good, when you are evil? For out of  the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. The good person out of his good treasure brings forth good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure brings forth evil. I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.”
4. Col 3:8- But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth.
5. Eph 4:29- Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.
6. Prov 16:24- Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body.
7. Prov 13:3- Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life; he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin.
8. Prov 18:21- Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.
9. Prov 21:23- Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble.
10. Prov 10:19- When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.
11. James 1:26- If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person's religion is worthless.
12. Prov 17:9- Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends.
13. Prov 15:4- A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit. 
14. Prov 17:27-  Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding.
15. Prov 15:1- A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
16. Prov 25:11- A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.
17. Prov 18:13- If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.
18. Luke 6:45- The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.
19. Prov 15:2- The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouths of fools pour out folly.
20. Prov 29:20- Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him.
21. Prov 17:28- Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent.
22. Prov 11:12- Whoever belittles his neighbor lacks sense, but a man of understanding remains silent.
23. Prov 27:6- Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.
24. James 1:19-20- Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.
25. Psalm 19:14- Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.

This is not an exhaustive list, this is just some of what the bible has to say about our words. As I reflect on these words, I am reminded of just how powerful our words can be. As I deal with issues in my life, I seek to act in a way that honors God and brings glory to his name. I do not want to respond in anger, for that doesn't produce the righteousness of God. I do not want to speak words that are not useful for the building of his kingdom.
God, help me to bridle my tongue, to remain silent and still until you tell me to move. Help me to seek your guidance, and the counsel of my brothers and sisters in Christ, and to confront every situation in my life in a way that Christ is exalted. Use me, and use what others mean for harm for good, that I may become more like Christ and that you may be glorified. Amen.

Just an update...

Today I deleted my Facebook account. It was apparently causing problems that I just don't have in me to deal with at the moment. I may reactivate it one day, maybe not. I just want to say I am thankful to everyone for everything. I haven't been able to speak much, and its not because I want to be rude, its just that sometimes words are more than I can bear. If any of you want to contact me, you can email me at debbiecarney@rocketmail.com. I'll try to update my blog when I can. Thank you all of your patience with me, and your prayers and kind words. They do not go unnoticed, it means more to me than you know.

Mourning

Today has been one of the worst days I have experienced in my life. Ironically, today also happens to be a celebration of one of the happiest days of my life. You see, 9 years ago today, my now husband asked me to be his girlfriend. 9 years ago today, my now husband told me those three little words what would come to mean so much, I love you. I should be happy, and reflecting on the wonderful place that God has brought us, despite our great unfaithfulness to him, he chose us. He turned our hearts of stone to flesh, and caused us to walk in his ways. He brought us here, to this day, a day that I could probably only get through by the grace that my precious Savior has shown me. You see, today, I lost a child.
Today I was 15 weeks pregnant. I knew that something was wrong a few weeks ago, but I'll blog about that another day. This morning at 4:10 am, I started to feel a great deal of pain, much like that of labor. I was having contractions, and slight bleeding. I knew that I was going to miscarry, and that the er could do nothing for me except take all of my money. So I suffered through contractions until I could get to the Dr office, which was at 8am. He checked me, and said that my cervix was still closed, but I was contracting and he couldn't find a heartbeat. I already had an ultrasound scheduled, so I went ahead and drank my water and waited my turn. Ultrasounds are supposed to be a happy occasion, but today, it ripped my world as I know it apart. I could see the baby, but there was no movement, no heartbeat. I asked the tech if that was my baby, but she wouldn't answer me. I know she was just doing her job, but I wanted to know if that was the last time I would see my baby. I broke down immediately because I knew that her answer meant nothing but bad news. There was no fetal heartbeat at all. She walked out of the room for a minute to call the Dr, and left the pictures up on the screen. I could see the baby, and it looked like a baby, not just a tiny speck. I could see the head. This brought me comfort, and pain. As I made my way back to the Dr office, I knew what was coming. I did not have a viable pregnancy, and he gave me my options. I wanted to go home and let this happen as naturally as possible. I was in extreme pain (about 8 hours of labor, with no meds, and no baby at the end of it all) so he gave me some pain medication, and a medicine to help the miscarriage pass sooner. A little while after I came home, I have a few gushes that seemed like what was my miscarriage. After about an hour, I was in extreme pain again, and I couldn't keep anything down. I had thrown up all day, and I started feeling weak. I went back in, and he said the baby hadn't passed yet. He gave me some staydol, and removed the "tissue" in hopes that I wouldn't have to do a d/c. He also gave me a shot to stop my nausea. He was a wonderful doctor, and I was very happy with the way he handled things today. I'm still in pain, so I'm not sure the real emotions have fully set in. I know its not the end of the world. I know that I have 2 beautiful children that I am thankful for, and that I can have more. But today, I am mourning the loss of my 3rd child. As I mourn, I pray that I only look above and seek comfort from my dear Savior and his word. I pray that I handle this in a way that brings glory to my God, for I know that he is a sovereign God who works all things for the good of his children. Although I may never understand the will of God, I will seek him in this time, and trust in him whole heartedly as my rock and my redeemer.

Parenting

These past few weeks have been tough for me as a Mom. My daughter Kaylee is 4, and seems to be going through some sort of testing phase. At least thats what I hope it is, and I hope it soon passes. She knows the rules, and knows the consequences. She is very intelligent, and knows about discipline. She understands that God tells her to obey her parents, and that God has told us parents to raise our children with discipline and in the fear of the Lord. Everytime that she disobeys me, it is a test of my obedience to God. If there is one thing I know, its that a child will never learn with inconsistent discipline. This makes my job even harder. This means that if I say sit on your bed and don't get up, I have to punish her everytime she gets up. It doesn't matter how high that number goes, I must discipline her. If I dont, I am allowing her to disobey me, and in turn, allowing her to disobey God. I know that the work I am putting in will pay off in the long run, but sometimes it gets hard. A good friend of mine shared a scripture with me last night that reminded me not to grow weary. Maybe it will help you too. It was Galations 6:9, "And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up." It also helps to have people around who believe in strong, consistent, biblical discipline. I don't want to base my discipline on "because I said so", I want to base my discipline on "because God said so". I pray that God continues to sanctify me and make me a good role model for my children, and that as I teach them the gospel, that God would change their hearts.

Dr appt

Today I met with a new doctor, the doctor that will be delivering my third child. I wanted to stick with the same OB as last time, but he is no longer delivering babies. This doctor was nice, he talked for a long time. I told him that I don't want to have another c-section. I know the risks involved with a vbac, and I know my chances are low, but I refuse to not even try. He said I'm not the greatest candidate because I've had 2 c-sections already that were probably due to my bones being too small, but that we will try. I told him of my experience with Brian, and how the spinal didn't take and I felt them cutting and had to be put to sleep. Just the thought of walking into another operating room like that is terrifying to me, I'm not sure how I will deal with the anxiety. He assured me that he always checks to make sure the spinal takes before he starts cutting, and that he would have a good anesthesiologist on board. He is requesting my medical records to look into who the last one was, and verify that he is no longer there, or will not be my anesthesiologist. He tried to listen for the heartbeat, but couldn't hear it. This concerns me a little, because I was able to hear with my other 2 this early on. I've already had an ultrasound and heard/saw a healthy heartbeat, so that is comforting. He told me that he will try again in 2 weeks, and if he can't hear it he will send me for an ultrasound. He said that my uterus is tipped way far back (I have a problem uterus) and that is most likely why he can't hear it. He gave me some exercises to do from now until my next appt that should help. All in all, his staff seems very friendly, and he seems like a good doctor. I hope that by the next appt I will be able to hear this little ones heart beat, I look forward to that! Now if we could just find a name that we both like, I'd be happy! lol

Cleanin' house!

Today has been a great day! For the first time in at least a month, I not only got relief from morning sickness, but I've got energy!! My housework, as most of you know, has been slacking. Today I have been trying to catch up on the things that need to be done. I've finished the living room and downstairs bathroom completely. Now I've just got to tackle the playroom and kitchen....the biggest chores lol. I have forgotten how nice it is to have a clean house! It is so nice to be able to sit on the couch, smell the clean, and just relax knowing that for now, everything is done. One thing I have really missed is having my friends over. Between not feeling good, and this crazy rash, I've been a bit of a hermit crab. I haven't really invited anyone over because the state of my house is embarrassing. I miss my friends, I miss the time of fellowship, so today I vow to do better! Plus, I'm really excited for my husband to get to come home to a clean house, a home cooked meal, and a loving family! Now...back to work. ;)

My journey with eczema

When I was pregnant with Kaylee, I developed my first round of eczema on my face. It was small, and just really dry. I was able to use Aquaphor, and it cleared up. I didn't have any problems with it again right before I got pregnant with Brian. This time, it was worse. The doctor first thought I had a staph infection and put me on medication for that, but that only made it worse. He sent me to the dermatologist, who said it was eczema. He gave me some cream, and it went away. I cancelled my follow up visit because it was gone. Randomly, it would flare up, and I would apply the cream and it would go away, so I just dealt with it. When I was in the hospital with Brian, it got BAD. Nobody told me, I just thought my face was itching from the pain meds. I looked in the mirror and my face was all broke out. I told the nurse, and she said she thought it was just acne. It was only around my mouth though. It never went away after that. A few months ago, I ran out of the cream for my face, so I went to my regular doctor for a refill. She said that the cream was bad for my face and would thin my skin out. She gave me Elidel, but it burned my face and I didn't use it. She told me that if it didn't clear up I should go see the dermatologist again. We have a $4000 deductible on our insurance, so we would have to pay out of pocket, and it didn't seem like a necessity. So a friend gave me some cream to try that she used on her eczema, and it worked great. I wasn't using it as often, but after about 2-3 days if I didn't use it my face would break out really bad. When the tube was empty, I decided to suck it up and go to the dermatologist. That was yesterday. Apparently what I have is not just eczema, but perioral dermatitis. It is caused from the use of corticosteroids (the eczema medicine). The only way to get rid of it is antibiotics (which aren't suggested for use while pregnant) and stop using the cream. While I'm glad to have figured out the problem, now I have to deal with this painful rash. It could be up to a month.

To make matters worse, it is all around my mouth. I can't use any make up to cover it up, or it will just get worse. I've been dealing with this for a long time now. I don't mean to be vain, but it makes me really self conscious. I know that most people (including my husband) thinks that it is ridiculous, but its the way I feel. This rash is not only painful, but it covers my face with red bumps. I just want to hide in my room until it all goes away, but that wont be possible. I will be missing church tonight, because it hurts to even move my mouth. I thought I would post a picture for those of you who don't understand why a rash on my face would cause me to miss church. Would you want to walk around looking like this?

Contentment

"Now there is great gain in godliness with contentment, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content. But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation, into a snare, into many senseless and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction." 1 Timothy 6:6-9


I'm content with less. Over my journey of being a Christian, my heart has changed dramatically on this. I no longer desire to buy more things and fill my life with stuff. We have worked hard and paid off almost all of our debt. I am very frugal at the grocery store, and buy most of our clothes from the clearance rack. I enjoy this. I enjoy NOT spending money! But this change of heart has brought me a great source of dissatisfaction. When we bought our home nearly 4 years ago, we were a 2 income family of 3. Now we are a 1 income family of soon to be 5, and we feel the strain. Our mortgage is ridiculous, we could pay rent at 2 apartments for what we pay for our mortgage. For nearly 2 years now, I have wanted to downsize. I have this master plan of how we could sale the house and move to an apt. and save up, then buy land and build in a way that would leave us completely debt free. This has been eating at me for awhile now, I'm tired of having "too much". My husband doesn't think we should sale right now because we still need to do some work to the house, and he doesn't want to be upside down on the mortgage. He is right, and I know that. I trust his opinion. After all, he is the leader of this family, I should trust in his judgement. I've felt that my attitude is okay because I'm not wanting more, I want less! That's okay right? Well it hit me yesterday that my attitude is wrong, and sinful. In reality, I'm not trusting my husband, or God. I think I know best, and I have it all figured out. If everything would just go exactly as I say, then I would be happy. I'm not happy with what I have, I'm not thankful. When it is time for us to move, God will provide a way. I know this. We have never done without, we have never had trouble paying bills, everything has always worked out. Sure, we miss out on some things like eating out with friends, and movie days, things like that. But I'm okay with that, I've got everything I need.
God, please forgive my ungrateful attitude. Help me to trust in you as my provider, and be thankful for everything you have given me. Change my heart to desire the things you want for my life, instead of desiring my own way.

Pregnancy hormones

I am 10 weeks pregnant with our 3rd child, and I think the hormones are worse with this pregnancy than either of my other ones. I have been sick everyday for weeks now, and some days I just feel like sitting down and crying because I can't take it anymore. My house is a disaster, and that stresses me out. My daughter seems to be going through a "testing" phase, which is really wearing on me. But all in all, I wouldn't trade any of it. The sickness will bring a beautiful baby (many months from now), The messy house just means that I've taken the time my body needs to rest (and also serves as a reminder to how loving and patient my husband is with me), and the "testing" phase, well, I'll always have that with one child right? It will, Lord willing, produce a well mannered child who obeys her parents.
On to the hormones. When I was pregnant with Kaylee, I was literally a crazy lady. One minute I would be crying, one minute I would be laughing, one minute I would be yelling, and most of the time I couldn't even explain why. It was a very hard time for Brian and I. We were still newlyweds, and neither of us had experienced anything like this before. He had no patience with me, and I had no control over myself. It was a great learning experience for the both of us.
My second pregnancy, with Brian, I had a picture perfect pregnancy. No sickness, no crazy hormones, no problems.
Now this pregnancy, I think my hormones are in serious overload. I've been miserably sick, tired every minute I'm awake, and just crazy feelings. Brian has been the best husband, so supportive and loving. He has picked up my slack, and hasn't complained one bit about the state of his house. He has been very spoiled over the past couple of years, not having to worry about any of the domestic duties. He does dishes, trash, and yard work. Everything else is always done, including laundry. I'm sure it is quite foreign for him to come home to a house where toys are on every square inch of the floor, dinner is half way being cooked between breaks of sitting down so that I can keep my stomach from trying to jump out of my throat, and laundry that is piled up around my ears! But he has jumped right in, picking up, finishing dinner, helping with laundry. He is truly amazing. While I am so thankful for him, it makes me kind of sad. It makes me sad that I haven't been able to take care of him or our home as I should. It makes me feel like I have failed him as a wife. Why do I feel like this? BECAUSE PREGNANCY HORMONES MAKE YOU CRAZY!! Seriously! I'm glad that this time I am able to recognize what is crazy hormones, and what is real. The other night, I felt "alone" in this pregnancy. That is absolutely the most absurd thing I could ever think! Brian has been the perfect husband, being so supportive of me. I can't believe that a thought like that would ever enter my mind. Of course, I didn't say anything to Brian, because I know I'm just crazy. ;)
I just wanted to put all this out there so maybe, if you are going crazy with hormones like me, you won't feel so alone. Hopefully, you will be able to recognize the rational feelings from the irrational hormonal feelings, like I now can.

The birth of a baby

Two days ago, on July 3rd, at 8:20 am my sister gave birth to a beautiful baby boy weighing 7.5 lbs and 19 inches long. In case you have never actually witnessed a birth, it is a beautiful thing. This was not the first birth I've witnessed, but it is the first one of a friend/family member. It was a long labor, but when it came to the pushing, she did wonderfully. Just a few pushes and the baby was out. It is truly a miracle of God how he designed a woman's body to work. To be able to carry a baby for 9 months, then when the time is ready, your body goes through changes just to allow the baby to come into the world, it is amazing. I didn't get to experience birth this way, because I have had 2 c-sections. I've missed out on the birth process, and the first hours of my newborns lives. I'm thankful to have been there with my sister and see what I'm missing out on. I just love newborns. Something about the first few days of bringing a newborn into the world, and seeing all the joy around. Everyone gathering to meet your new little blessing. All the changes your life now goes through, and somehow none of the chaos seems to matter because you look into the eyes of this beautiful new baby and it all goes away. Although I'm scared to think about what my birthing process will be like this time, I am so excited to get to experience a newborn all over again.

Through the eyes of a Mom

Things have been crazy the past 2 weeks. I have been so sick this pregnancy that I barely make it off of the couch before I start dry heaving. I'm pretty sure I have been suffering from motion sickness, because even the sight of the movements on tv make me sick. I feel as though I have been barely making it through each day, with nothing productive to show for the day. The past couple of days have been better, though. I have found some relief, and I am very thankful. I'm sure my family is too.
Yesterday was a pretty good day. Although I did feel sick the first half of the day, felt much better in the afternoon. Sometimes, I feel as though I am constantly having to correct my children. It is like a never ending battle keeping them in line. Every so often, I get a reminder of why it is all worth it. I see growth in my child, and it makes me glad. Yesterday was one of those days. Kaylee has been having issues responding to people when they talk to her. It started off mostly with men she didn't know, but has slowly spread to everyone. If someone says bye, she ignores them. If they want a hug, she cries. I had no idea how to deal with this, because I don't know why she is like that. Most of these people she sees on a regular basis, so it isn't as though it is a stranger. She talks about these people at home all day long, but face to face, she is rude. I've tried talking it through with her, and patiently showing her that it is okay, there is nothing to be scared of, but nothing has worked. This is now a behavior we have decided to punish, because she has to learn that being rude isn't acceptable. Well, I am proud to say that I am seeing growth! Yesterday when we stopped by my Moms, she gave my sister a hug bye without having to be asked to, and she didn't even cry when my nephew came and hugged her! (I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, but really, it is! lol) So when we came home, we decided to reward her good behavior. She likes to be a helper. She reminds me so much of me when I was little, she always wants to be in the middle of everything helping out. So she got to help me cook chicken spaghetti, and she got to help with dishes. She was very happy with this, and it was very neat to watch. Then when it was time for her to go to bed, we sat in her bed and sang hymns together. She didn't know most of the words, but that didn't stop her from trying to sing them. It is such a privilege to be able to teach/sing her hymns. What a beautiful gift God has entrusted us with! I love to see her singing to God, and I love seeing her grow up! What a joy being a Mom is!

The Lord is dealing with me..

I can always feel God dealing with me in one way or another. I'm thankful for that. I thought I would share one way the Lord has been dealing with me lately. It all has to do with love, and the way in which I love my husband. I know that I am supposed to love EVERYBODY in this way, but God has really been working in my heart with the way I treat my husband. First, I will share the scripture that flows through my head daily.

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

These are often heard versus for most of us. We hear them at weddings, read them on cards and coffee cups. I know most of these words by heart, but rarely stop and ponder on their meanings. We all get in a bad mood every now and then, and usually take it out on someone undeserving. I know I do. My husband is usually on the receiving end of these mood swings. If I am stressed out because I've had a long day with toddlers that don't listen, he is usually feeling the effects of it. I am usually good about apologizing, but that isn't enough, as God is showing me. This is what God has been showing me: when I am impatient with my husband, that is not love. It isn't from a loving place. Even if I feel like I have a right, an excuse, I don't. That isn't love, and I should love my husband. Love isn't rude, and sometimes, I am. Love isn't irritable, and I am, often. Love doesn't insist on its own way, but so many times, I do. I love my husband more than words can say, but do I show it? According to the bible, I don't.

**God, thank you for dealing with my heart, and showing me my sinfulness. Please help me love my husband in a way that brings glory to your name. Amen.

Our birthday =)

Four years ago, my life changed. Really, it all started about 9 months before that lol . ;)
Four years ago, on my 21st birthday, I gave birth to my beautiful daughter, and a Mother was born inside of me as well. There is such an unexplainable feeling that comes from becoming a parent for the first time. There is a new selfless love that you never knew could exist. Over the past 4 years, I have made MANY mistakes, and learned many lessons the hard way. The best advice I could give to any new parents would be to never say never. Before Kaylee I thought I had it all figured out, and knew just how I would raise my child. My child would NEVER do this, or that, or act that way in public. No, not mine. I could point out the mistakes other parents were making as though I knew what I was talking about. Boy, was I in for it. I have learned humility by eating the words I once spoke. I have sympathy for things that parents do out of ignorance that forever change their lives and the lives of their children. I have made many mistakes, but have come to realize that almost every parent I know would admit to the same thing. My daughter is a happy, healthy, smart, respectful 4 year old, and I am very proud of the daughter we have raised so far. She is such a sweet, loving person, and I pray that our relationship always stays close and loving. I pray that we raise her to know and love God, and that he would change her heart to a heart that loves and obeys him. I pray that I am a good example to her.
This year we decided to skip the big party, and let Kaylee pick something fun to do. Her first choice was flying, but the place Brian once took me to fly at no longer did it. Her next choice was jet skis, but you have to be 5 to ride the rented jet skis. So, she chose a boat. She has never been in a boat, so it was an awesome experience. It was something we could all do, including Bubba. We all enjoyed it.
Monday was her actual birthday, so we invited a few close friends and family over to celebrate with us. It was nice to have people around celebrating who are around on a regular basis, who know and love my daughter. So on the guest list were Nana (my Mom), Grandma (Brian's Mom), Papa (Brian's Dad), Chrissy and Mia, the Brents, Boyles, Lyons, Muirs, and Jessica and Audrey. I think that's it. It was a nice group to have around. These are people who I consider to be my family. They are there for us, and show a genuine love for us. And they reminded me that it was my birthday too. Everyone was so sweet to bring us cards and presents and eat with us, and just spend time with us. Each and everyone of you mean the world to us, and our lives would not be the same without you. We love you guys, and thank you!

Stuff

I feel as though days pass by too quickly, and not enough gets done. There is just too much to do, and not enough time to do it. Between keeping up with all the housework that revolves around this family of 4, raising children, babysitting two toddlers, teaching Wednesday night class, bible study on Thursdays, whatever plans our weekend happens to have, Church on Sunday morning and class on Sunday night, finding my own time to read and study my bible, and making sure the needs of my husband are met, I feel stretched a little too thin. I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, an Aunt, and a friend. I try to keep my priorities straight, but sometimes it is hard. I enjoy my crazy life. I say all this, because, I haven't had time to blog. This pregnancy is bringing me symptoms I was hoping not to have, and I am often forced to sit down and rest. I feel guilty when I do, because I know that resting isn't on my to do list. I have a wonderful husband who works so hard that I want him to come home and relax, not worry about what needs to be done. I am going to try harder to make myself sit down and blog. Soon, I am going to blog about Kaylee's birthday. I know it already passed, but it is still fresh on my mind. ;)

Potty training

I don't claim to be an expert on the subject of potty training, but I think I have found a way that works for us. I recently started potty training my son. He will be 18 months next weekend. When Kaylee was 18 months, we started potty training her too. Both of my children started to recognize when they were going potty in their diaper, so I took that as the cue its time to start. With Kaylee, I had a little bit of a harder time. We went through a lot of pull ups, and I even bought the vinyl panties. She would still have accidents, even though she knew when to go potty. I finally just put her in big girl panties, and very soon after she was done training. This has been my experience with other children as well, if you put pull ups on them, they have accidents, but with panties they are less likely to go on themselves.
So when I decided to start with Bubba, I bought one big package of pull ups, and a package of little underwear, which happen to be the cutest things EVER! So far, he has done amazing! Many days, he has kept his pull up dry all day. When I put him on the potty, he pees, or at least tries. He has even pooped in the potty a few times!! For those of you who have potty trained little ones, you know that can be a major accomplishment in itself. I'm not sure how it will all work, if he will keep it up or not, but for right now I am beyond excited! I am just really hoping that he is completely potty trained before the new baby gets here in January!

A weekend get away...

This past Sunday morning, we left for Fredericksburg, TX, and stayed until Tuesday. It was a very nice little get away. It has been about a year since we did that. We can't really take a full week vacation somewhere yet because we would need to save longer and with me watching kids, it is kind of impossible. So, we have to settle for these weekend trips to refresh us. Maybe next year we can save and take a full vacation. Then again, with a new baby, it may just be impossible again lol. Anyways, on to the trip...
When we arrived Sunday, we stopped at walmart to get some food that we would be eating over the weekend. We got some chips and hot dogs and burgers, stuff of that sort. Then we went to the hotel and ate lunch at the picnic tables while we waited for check in time. After that, we checked in, unloaded all our stuff, and started our adventures. We drove around a little bit, and checked out some cabins Brian wants to go stay in. It was really a nice area, and while we were there we even saw a deer running around! We went to the Pacific War Museum, and it was really neat, and really big! They give you a 2 day pass, because it can take so long to get through it. We didn't see everything because it was starting to get late and we needed to get dinner. So for dinner we went to eat at Der Lindenbaum, an authentic German food restaurant. It was so...GOOD! Brian didn't like his meal as much, but he just got a sausage plate. He said that he could have just eaten that at home lol. I ate Wiener Schnitzel, which is pork lightly breaded and fried. It was possibly the best pork I had ever had. Dinner was good, until the check came. We don't usually carry a lot of cash. Brian's check are direct deposited, and there isn't usually a need for cash, so we just don't have any lol. Well, this restaurant didn't take visa. (I know, who doesn't take visa?!) So Brian had to go walking down the strip to find an ATM. One was broke, one only took chase cards. Finally, he had to drive down to the gas station to use their ATM. All the while, I am trying to occupy 2 tired kids, for 30 minutes! It was so embarrassing, but finally he returned, and we paid and left. We decided that after that fiasco, we would get ice cream and go to the wildlife tunnel and wait for the bats to come out. It is supposed to be around 3 million bats (according to the map) coming out of this tunnel. So we go to dairy queen and get Kaylee a blizzard. On the way to the tunnel, she took a bit of the blizzard that didn't go down well, and choked on it. Brian PANICS with choking, and of course, he was driving. He darts over to the side of the road, and jumps out of the car (without putting it in park) and helps her. Thankfully, I was there to put it in park. So off to the tunnel we go. We stood there about 15 minutes, and the man came and told us that the bats were coming out. Only, we could see anything! Apparently you need to be on the lower decks to be able to see. Oh well, at least we know for next time lol. So we went back to the hotel and showered and went to bed. The hotel only had a stand up shower, no bathtub, so we had to try to give the kids a shower with us. It didn't seem so hard on my part (because Kaylee is 4 and it shouldn't be a big deal) but it was hard. She freaked out and I had to fight with her the whole time. So we went to bed, and the kids woke up about 7 am! I was sure hoping to sleep in. So on Monday, we got up and went and got donuts. We drove out to Enchanted Rock and ate. It was a beautiful view. Fredericksburg is full of beautiful scenery. After that, we headed back to visit the Amish Market, which was so cool! They had lots of furniture, and beautiful wall decorations with scripture, and food. I could have spend a small fortune in there. I don't have a small fortune though, so I just bought a few things and left. We went to the hotel, got changed into our swimsuits, and headed to Garner state park. I had never been, so I was excited. It was so nice! We swam for a little bit (Brian and Kaylee longer than Bubba and I, the rocks really hurt my feed, and all I had was flip flops that wouldn't stay on). We decided to take a little walk around, and Bubba decided to poop on himself. That ended our trip lol. I forgot the little swimmers, and wasn't about to pay $10 for another package that I knew I wouldn't use. He had already gone potty that morning, and he usually only goes once a day, so I thought "he will be fine". Well, I was wrong. His floatie swimsuit was full of poop, and a HUGE mess to clean up. After we got him clean, we decided to head home. We went back to the hotel and changed back into our clothes and went to Lady Bird park and grilled burgers and played. We really enjoyed the sunset that night. It was a great time to spend quiet family time just relaxing and soaking up Gods beautiful environment. We drove around a little bit, went to Whitney street for a picture. We passed an art gallery that had a window display called "Selah", so I had to stop and get a picture for Vivian. We went back to the hotel, did the dreaded shower routine again, and went to bed. Tuesday morning, we got all packed up and ready to leave. Brian wanted to go to this Muffin Haus, it was so good! They had a table out front, so we sat outside and enjoyed the morning and our breakfast. We went to see Fort Martin (I think that was the name) and took some pictures. Then we headed to the Chocolat store, and got on the road home. We had been looking forward to homemade peach ice cream all weekend, so we stopped on the way out and got some. It was so good, I can't wait to have more!
I know this was a long post, but I wanted to document some of the memories before I forget. Pregnancy brain is getting the best of me lol.
Oh, and one more thing, I am SO proud of how well my son is doing on the potty. He had many accidents while we were gone (Mostly because we were on the road and unable to take him potty) but many times he stayed dry. He pottied almost every time we sat him on the potty, and he did really good last night. And today he has been dry all day!

Teething blues

For those of you who spend a lot of time around me and my family, you have probably noticed my sweet little boys wild mood swings. I have been trying to figure out if it is teething, or tantrums (probably both). He has all 4 teeth on top, and just the two middle ones on the bottom. I was expecting the other 2 bottom ones to come in next (because that's how it usually goes) and I have seen the white spots where they are coming in. Well, Sunday when I was trying to lay him down for a nap, I noticed that he isn't cutting 2 teeth, he is cutting 6!! He is cutting all 4 molars and his front teeth! One of his top molars has already half way broke through the skin. I feel so bad for him now because I didn't know how much pain he was in. So for those of you who have had to deal with my child's crazy fits, I am sorry, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully his teeth will hurry and break through, and he can go back to being my sweet, lovable son.

A long day

My day started early this morning, and is just now winding down. It was a good day though. When Mia was dropped off this morning, we ate and headed out to visit my Mawmaw. She is leading a bible study at my cousins house, and I wanted to check it out. She is going through the women of the bible. I really enjoyed the time to sit down together with women and dig into God's word. I was thankful for the ability to sit and learn from my Mawmaw, a woman who I admire. After the bible study my Aunt hooked us up with some really yummy food, and we spend the day talking, and watching the kiddos play. They always come home from there filthy. It is nice to be with family.
Then, this evening, I took Kaylee to her first tumbling class. Mia has been going and Chrissy told me I should let Kaylee check it out. The prices aren't bad, and they let you try a class for free, so I took her. She LOVED it. Kaylee is a really shy girl, but today she did so good. She went off with the class by herself, and didn't cry or anything! She followed the instructions she was given, and participated through the whole class. I was so proud of her. She will be 4 in a few weeks, I can't believe it! Sometimes I miss her being little, but nights like tonight make me feel so happy to be seeing her grow before my eyes. She can't stop talking about wanting to go back, so I am going to sign her up.
All in all, it has been a great day. It has really been a great week. I needed one of those! =)

Grace

This wont be a long post, just something I have been contemplating. I think grace is often misunderstood. Gods grace is an undeserved gift. Make no mistake, we ALL deserve the wrath of God. The bible says that the wages of sin are death. (Romans 6:23) What sin is worthy of death? Well, all of them. We will start with the 10 commandments. You shall not lie, steal, murder, commit adultery, covet. Those are just a few. When Jesus gave the sermon on the mount, he said that if you have hated your brother that you have murdered him in your heart. And if you lust after a woman (or man) you have committed adultery in your heart. (Matthew 5) You have sinned against a Holy, Just God. So one lie, even a little white lie, deserves eternal punishment (hell). Why do I explain all of that? Well, without understanding of the law and your sin, how can you understand grace? Far too often we put our sin on a sliding scale and judge others to be "worse off" than we are. The truth is, we are all equally in need of a Savior. Praise God for sending us one in his Son Jesus Christ. So what is grace? Grace is when God chooses to save a sinner, and give them a heart of flesh that is able to love and obey him. Grace is a free gift. "For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast." (Ephesians 2:8-9) This means you have done NOTHING to deserve grace. If you think you have done something for God to have given you this grace, it is no longer grace, it is works. We must not become boastful, or deem others a lost cause because of their sinful nature. If God can save me by grace, he can save anyone.

"I believe in the doctrine of election, because I am quite certain that, if God had not chosen me, I should never have chosen Him; and I am sure He chose me before I was born, or else He never would have chosen me afterwards; and He must have elected me for reasons unknown to me, for I never could find any reason in myself why He should have looked upon me with special love." ~Charles Spurgeon

**Well, maybe it will be a long post ;)

My Mom(s)

Today we spent the day celebrating Mothers day with my Mom and my Mother in law since tomorrow we will spend most of the day in church. I don't spend nearly enough time singing their praises, so I'm gonna take a few minutes and do so now.
My Mom is a strong woman. She can do it all. As a small child I watched her stay home and take care of her family. She took great care of us all. Every night when my Dad got home, dinner was ready and on the table. She put love into everything she did for us. Even though she was mistreated, abused, and disrespected, she poured a great deal of love out to take care of her family. Then, I watched her become a single mom, working a minimum wage job to support 3 kids. I'm not sure how she did it, physically or mentally. We were bratty children who fought constantly, and I wish we had made things easier for her. Now, she has become a Nana. Her grandchildren love her and treasure all the time they get with her. Although we don't spend enough time together, I know if I ever needed anything, no matter what time, I could call her. She would drop EVERYTHING in a heart beat to take care of her family. That's just who she is. I have learned so much about how to be a good wife, a good mom, and to take good care of my family from her. Thank you Mom, for all that you do.
My Mother in law is pretty great too. In all the years we have known each other, we have become very close. Not just as MIL/DIL, but as friends. We have conversations that last for hours every time she visits. She is always here for me if I need someone to watch the kids so I can go to the Dr (which is a HUGE relief!). She loves her grand babies so much, and they love her too. She has been by my side through some of the roughest, and some of the happiest times of my life. I count her as a blessing. It isn't often that you find such a special, loving bond between a mother in law and daughter in law. I'm glad I have that bond.
To all that you have done, and all that you do.
I love you both more than words can say.
Happy Mothers Day.